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Finding Love

In my 28 years of life I have started and stopped so many different projects. I have started and stopped learning to tap dance, jazz dance, piano, band, high school, college, jobs, you get the picture. One of the things that I can't seem to pick up again is writing. Poetry, short stories, and the novel I just can't seem to get right.
My dream is to write yet lately I haven't been able to write so much as a blog post coherently enough to satisfy my starving creative gene. Is it all the TV that I have been watching lately? That could very well be so. But, I have come to realize that the reason why I can't seem to write, or even find the inspiration to write is that I lost faith in love. Losing faith in love is a very big thing for someone who write mostly love stories, and an even bigger issue for someone who is so distraught with love that they can't even write the dark poetry that once brought them solace and comfort.
It took one conversation to realize that just where I had gone wrong. My boyfriend and I had been having issues and I decided to tell him everything that I was feeling and ask him questions. In asking my questions and having this talk he said something to me that made so much sense and was a smack in the face so hard I had no choice but to wake up. I spent our relationship saying how much I missed him, and was afraid that things weren't going to work out between us, and how maybe we weren't meant to be together because of all of the obstacles we faced. I was not only bringing down my confidence in us but his as well. What I wanted to hear from him was that everything was going to be okay, that everything was going to be fine, and that just because we faced problems it didn't mean that we weren't going to end up together, I wanted to hear that despite everything that was going on to pull us apart he was still going to be there for me. He asked me one simple question once I explained that to him: So you were being reactive instead of proactive? Now I was tired both physically and emotionally at this point so I had him "dumb it down" for me. He said, "instead of telling me what you want, you told me what you feared." That was a powerful statement and I really had to take it in. Sometimes as women we really want guys to do things that just don't come natural to them. My guy as sweet and in tuned with me as he was could never have guessed what I really wanted from what I was saying. He had his own problems to try and figure out, so when I didn't directly come out and say, I'm lonely or I need reassurance he started to believe the sabotaging thoughts that I myself had planted in his head. Thoughts that were no one else to blame but myself.
This conversation, however, brought me to the conclusion of this. I was looking for that reassurance because I was losing faith in love, I felt as thought love was something that just didn't want to find and stick with me. I was so focused on worrying about the possibility of not being together, of having another person I love walk out on me that I blindly overlooked the fact that he has always been there, that he had always loved me the way that I was wanting to be loved. That was my mistake, that was the very reason I found that I could not write, because I gave up on something because I never took that step back to look at things the way they actually were. In that conversation I learned a few things...
1. You can't expect to get reassurance if you don't say or ask the right things
2. Often times when we lose faith in love it is because we refuse to open our eyes and see what is in front of us. That sometimes what we remember about love from the past, hurts our future because we are afraid to repeat our past
Finally number 3 which is my own personal lesson. Building love up with actions and words takes time, but tearing it down with words can tear it down faster than it was ever built, and sometimes the foundation that once was is so rocky it can never be rebuilt.
I just hope that all my foundation needs is a little more concrete, water, and sun.


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