Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2018

Just(in) Grief 2

I had a blog post all written out in my notebook and decided not to post it but to write off the cuff. 

Today was a good day... for most of the day. At some point I began thinking about grief and how it affects me and that completely tanked my mood for a while. I, of course, started thinking about Justin. For those of you who don't know who Justin is, he's a dear friend and a former love interest of mine who passed away July 6th, 2017.

Runaway

Something happened today (12-10-18) that made me evaluate one particular event in my life. As the title might suggest and actually gives away, I've been thinking about why at the age of 13 I ran away from home.

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Why I Wore Slippers to Church

Today I wore minion slippers to church. No, it wasn't because I was in my pajama's; I was actually wearing regular clothing. Maybe I should explain how my day started...

Prosperity and Faith

Every day is a struggle for me, some days more than others. Let's just say that this year is not my financial year and I found myself depressed and angry. In a recent venting session with my boyfriend, I asked this question; Why do the most faithful to God struggle so much?

Anxiety

For God Has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, Love, and sound judgment. 2 Timothy 1:7 (HCSB)
Anxiety; we feel it in our chest

Divorced... Now What?

Infidelity, separation, divorce; now what? Exactly who am I? I wish I could say that after my divorce I did exactly what I said I would do and work on myself, however, I didn't. In fact, the guilt I felt would cause me many years wallowing in my brokenness.

Why I Let Go

In my previous blog Why My Marriage Failed, I confessed, well, the reasons my marriage failed. In this blog, I want to reveal why I let my marriage go.

One of the first things my ex-husband did after I told him about the other guy

Why My Marriage Failed

I've been divorced for almost 8 years now and the journey it took me to get to today will always be one of the greatest life lessons I will ever have regarding relationships.

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Information Overload

For the past few days, I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what to write. There are so many topics to choose from: sexual abuse, physical abuse, faith, mental health, books, publishing, the list goes on. So what did I come up with? What exactly is this post about? Relaxing and freeing your mind.

Faith Beyond Stress

I don't look like what I've been through. It's a common phrase said by many Christians, I've said it myself a time or two. However, my mind has been swayed about what that statement should actually be. I'm glad I look like what I've been through. I've been through grace and favor and I have the scars to prove it.

The Truth About Motherhood

I can remember my first parenting fail like it was yesterday. I was 19 years old with a newborn. My sister also had a newborn. My daughter Jade, started crying in the middle of the night and to keep her from waking my nephew I went and laid down with her on the couch. I remember sleeping so hard I accidentally

The Season Of Support

I am currently reading the newly published book by my friend Alexis Baker called Love Yourself Unapologetically. I had to stop in the middle of the book and write this post. Not as a review of the book, but as a review of the feelings I have had lately. 

The Hurtful Truth About False Teachers

Eisegesis- The interpretation of a text (as of the Bible) by reading into it one's own ideas.
Imagine if you will that you are searching for a sermon by your favorite preacher/speaker/teacher and you come across a video saying that person is a false teacher. Do you click on it?

Just Do It

I was asked a question today that really made me stop and think. How do I study the Bible and do I have any helpful tools?

Called But Are You Confident

The recurring theme in my life lately has been Moses. He had been heavy on my mind and heart so I started re-reading his story wondering where in my life was the comparison. My focus has not been on the baby in the basket sent up the river and rescued by Pharaoh's daughter or the murder he committed, but the calling of Moses itself. Just like Moses I've asked God "why me?

I'm Not Sorry...When Forgiveness of Self Seems Impossible

Sorry: Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.
Repent: 2. To feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
Forgive: To grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 
.
One of the hardest things to do is forgive. When someone does us wrong the pain of that wrong can linger, sometimes for years causing resentment. Try as we might it can cling to us and prohibit us from moving forward in our lives. This can be more so true when the person who wronged us is not sorry for their actions against us nor expresses any sort of remorse. I want you to stop for a moment and reread that, thos titimtitime envisioning the person that has wrong you as yourself. Can you forgive?
It is true that it is difficult to forgive others but it is also true that it is even more difficult to forgive ourselves. We will often times hold on the wrong that we have done to ourselves or others and beat ourselves up about it, wallowin…

Hunger

Through fasting, I have come to realize just how much I hunger for the Lord. How much time I truly have on my hands to devote to getting closer to Christ. Without realizing it, not only did I fast from food, I also found that during my time of fasting I did not watch TV. Something I didn't conscientiously do. The time that I would normally spend watching TV was spent reading and praying, the peace and quiet soothing my soul, allowing me to let go of my worries and my stress and just bask in the glory of the Lord. 


The title of my main entry about fasting called Fast To Feast was originally just a title to catch the eye of the reader, but as I sit here in the breakroom hungry to devour God's word, I recognize the truth within the title. This fast has not left me physically hungry but spiritually. I find I want more, I need more than what I have been getting, and I want to give more of myself than I have been giving. Its opened my eyes to the daily struggle of not only blatant si…

Tempted

As you already know I am a writer by nature what started as a chronicle of my fitness fasting experience turned into something spiritual and lead to the blog post Fast To Feast. I encourage you when you fast to write down your prayers and your requests and the Lords response. You may not remember everything you learn during your time of fasting and notes can help you look back and see where it is that God has moved in your life. Allow the Holy Spirit to flow through not only you but your pen and paper as well. 


Day one proved to be very difficult, unlike my first attempt when I caved and pigged out on Barbecue at my family reunion, my temptation this time would come from the family fish fry. Although I very rarely personally fry foods at home I have a weakness for all things fried. Pork chops, country fried steak, chicken, french fries and the list goes on I'm just a stickler for fried food. I wish I could say I buckled down toughed it out and resisted temptation. I was able to res…

Fast To Feast

It's been quite a while since I've just sat in silence with the Lord. As I am writing this I am in a quint little break room listening to the fan blow just enjoying the presence I feel over me right now. My spirit is at ease, my heart is at peace, and I find myself thankful for the past three days in which I've had the most energy I can remember having in a long time.
Lately, I've had fitness on my mind something heavy and decided a couple of days ago to fast for three days before starting the keto diet. I eagerly jumped right into fasting since it was the first of the month... I failed miserably. I honestly didn't think fasting would be this hard. I never knew that food was such a big comfort for me. I knew that I was an emotional eater but I didn't realize how food controlled my life. The truth is I have no self-control not just with eating but with many aspects of my life, food is just the one I abuse the most.


I'm a binge eater. I can go hours without e…

Increase

How many of us have prayed for financial deliverance? How many of us have had faith that the Lord would give us that deliverance? As Christians, I am certain that we all have. "God, why do I struggle so much financially? X amount of dollars is not enough to live off of. Lord, I need financial deliverance!" Those are all things I've cried out and prayed before. I'm also the one who takes what little I have and puts it into the offering bucket, praying desperately along with pastor to press it down and shake it up so that it will be returned unto me tenfold. To what avail? The truth is, I have done absolutely nothing to change my financial situation. Week after week, month after month, year after year I have prayed desperately for increase, and like so many others, yet I have been left wanting. 

As I read the scriptures above I suddenly remembered The Parable Of The Talents (Matthew 25:14-30). This passage is about a man who decided that while he was off on a journey, h…

I Need A Nap

It's been a long journey to truth. If you haven't read Narcoleptic Nicki(i) I will try my best to fill you in. 

Over the last two year's I have dealt with uncontrolled accessive daytime sleepiness. I went from the mother who took her kids to the park to play tennis and ride bikes, to the mother who could only find the strength to take a nap after work and who needed two days off just to sleep and recover from the work week. Sleeping at night warranted no true rest, no matter how many hours of sleep I achieved. The next day I would always have this dire need to take naps. In fact, at one point I would often go to work in the morning only to find myself very sleepy midday, sleepy enough I could fall asleep standing up... or even walking. This would become so cumbersome I'd seek the help of my primary care physician for answers to this mounting problem. After a misdiagnosis of depression (That would be an entirely different blog for a different day on that struggle.) I wou…

The Other Side Of Discouragement

I've been discouraged lately. It seems that everyone around me has either published a book, in the process of publishing a book, going live on Facebook about their ambitions and passions, or creating and managing Youtube channels; all the things I myself would like to do. It begs me to question: where exactly does that leave me? I am not a shy person, neither am I outgoing. I am self-conscious and there are aspects of the authorial process in which I feel I need to have, however, I find myself envisioning running into a glass door with everyone yet no one watching.  

How do I not get discouraged? How do I train myself to push forward when it seems as though everyone has the same idea as well as more support in their endeavors? I tell myself that if I can inspire one person to be themselves if I can influence one person to pursue their dream (whatever that dream may be), or bring one person to Christ or have a closer relationship with Christ I am gratified. Ultimately gratification …

Infection

I've been thinking about mortality and what it means. As I get older and begin to lose more friends to natural causes it makes me think of my own health. I am not living the best healthy life that I should be. When things get rough I drink. I smoke cigarettes daily, and even though I know that these things are unhealthy I still do them. That is my physical health issues. But what about my spiritual?
Spiritually I'd like to think that I am as healthy as I can be... but in that sentence lies the problem. Complacency in being as spiritually healthy as you can be is a setup for backsliding. I'd like to think that in the weeks gone by I've prayed diligently. I have in certain occasions, I mean I have prayed for others more than I've prayed for myself. That's all that matters right? Not quite. The instructions given to me on how to pray has lain opened and unread. Available but ignored. Although I am not spiritually dead I am spiritually sick and just like physicalsic…

Peace And Acceptance

Here I am on my lunch break sitting in a somber mood. There is no apparent reasoning behind it, I just sort of woke up with a cloud hanging over my head. The things that had been stressing me as of late have been resolved and although the decision was not what I wanted it was the exact conclusion God intended for me to come to. In that I truly have peace.

When I made the decision not to move I felt every bit of stress leave my body. My mind was quickly put at ease and the day seemed much brighter. I've come to realize this mornings mood is a byproduct of yesterdays decision.
Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I'll say it again. Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I knew I had come to the right decision because of the peace that washed over me and the lift in my mood. However, I did not accept the decision. I still want to move, i still want to force a change even though i know that it is not God's timing. I'm getting in my own way.
This move to another city was…

Shattered Endurance

I've always been the type of person you could see right through. Although I liked to have thought it wasn't true I've always been told otherwise. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stress in my eyes, and sadness in my smile. This week has been a difficult week for me. I recently found out that a major life change that is supposed to come next year has affected my oldest daughter and sent her into a small bout of depression. Financially I am tapped out and struggling and I can't seem to get above water long enough to breathe. Struggling with mental illness on my part and that of my daughters has always weighed heavy on me, not to mention the issues my son has with ADHD.

I'm having a hard time writing this. A hard time getting my thoughts together so please bear with me. This scripture right here is supposed to be comforting and I can see the comfort in the scripture, but I can't feel it. Everything going on right now has me bogged down and I just feel like I can't…