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Showing posts from 2017

New Year Better Me

Every New Year everyone vows to make some sort of change in their lives. Whether it is getting in shape, getting financially stable, being a better person, the list can go on and on. 
I was sitting here thinking about what it is that I want to see happen for myself in 2018. I always want to lose weight, so that is not something I want to put on my list of things to do this year coming up. Getting financially stable is something that everyone should strive for every single day of their life. Not just something one says they will do the first of the year.

The last year and a half of my life has been a difficult one. My mental health issues have plagued me tirelessly. I have lost and quit quite a few jobs in that time frame. I have also spent more time than I would have liked in therapy trying to get over the many issues I have endured throughout this year. I guess before I go on to list all of the things that I want for 2018, I should list all of the things that I have learned in 2017.


I h…

Stop Telling Me To Exercise!

We've all seen the meme above and others like it. Even therapist and psychiatrist suggest that you exercise to combat depression...
I say, f*ck you and your exercise!

One of the most annoying and counterproductive things you can tell a depressed person is to exercise.  I mean...

Right?

I'm not saying it doesn't work in general, what I am saying is that when you are clinically depressed it's generally not an option. Some days you feel accomplished moving from your bedroom to the living room couch. Sure you're still laying down but at least you are out of bed. 

Clinical depression makes even the simplest of tasks difficult. Some days, if we aren't emotional eaters it takes all we have just to fix ourselves a sandwich just so we don't die (which ironically is sometimes all we think about in that state). We would all love to be able to get up get out and just exercise our problems away. Truth is the motivation just isn't there. Personally, I have been depressed …

Narcoleptic Nick(i)?

Psychology Today states "Narcolepsy is a sleep disorder that disrupts the normal sleep-wake cycle. It is a chronic neurological condition in which a person experiences uncontrollable sleepiness, falling asleep, or napping throughout most days. Although this excessive sleepiness usually occurs on a daily basis, it must occur at least three times a week for at least three months to warrant a diagnosis of narcolepsy."

Over the past almost two years, I have been ridden with daytime sleepiness. It became noticeable in February 2016. I worked at a call center at the time and although I am a morning person and could usually live on 5 hours of sleep, I began to notice that 5 hours was no longer enough. I chalked it up to me getting older and just needing more sleep, after all, I was about to be 32 body changes happen in your thirties right? The problem was, even if I got more sleep at night I never felt rested. I'd soon begin to fall asleep at my desk between calls nodding off ri…

Just(in) Grief

I was trying to figure out what the title of this entry was going to be. I'm not even sure what the content is going to be. I went to bed last night with him heavy on my mind and awoke this morning to thoughts of him.

You see Justin was my friend for almost 13 years. He was my love interest for that long. We met through myspace. Honestly, I thought he was older than what he was so his talking to me felt a little creepy at first and then I realized that we were both the same age. Our first fall out was my very first facebook drama. It said he was in a relationship and we got into it over it. Needless to say, we didn't date after that. We still talked and were still very much attracted to each other. Over the years we would become the best of friends. Talking on the phone spending time together. My favorite memory is watching family guy on the phone together until he fell asleep. I'd lay there and listen to him snore on the phone until I fell asleep as well. If cell phones we…

Don't Underestimate... Me

Don't underestimate the savage in me
I'll walk away slowly and you'll never see
Deception by far 
Is the high of my life
Not all eyes have vision
Not all eyes have sight
I play the game better than you'll ever know
I can straight face it
Secrets never show
Unless its something I want you to see
Right in your face
Yet can't see through me
Maybe I'm just waiting
For the attentive one
Who's perceptive enough
To see what could be done
It's a challenge
One challenge hard as can be
To take off them rose colored glasses
And truly see
Because you've already lost
If you underestimated me. 


By: CC

Abuse Is Not Just Physical

You hear about it all the time. Abuse is wrong especially physical abuse. It can cause things like Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses. I was one of those women who swore up and down, I would not end up in any form of an abusive relationship. I was 100% certain that if a man ever hurt me physically I would send him packing. Maybe even fight him back. When I was 23 years old I slowly found myself in a physically abusive relationship in which I know I was smart enough not to get into. This blog entry, however, is not about the physical abuse I suffered but my recent emotional abuse.

I'd flirted with a guy for well over a year through Facebook. We exchanged numbers and had plenty of conversations and decided to meet each other, we had mutual friends in real like so we'd both done our homework on each other as to our safety. Everything was great... at first. We connected mentally and physically we were attracted to each other. (So I thought) Howev…

Teen Depression I didn't See It

In April 2013 I posted the following blog called my Views and Information on Teen depression, That blog post was meant to be informational, and maybe red flag some signs that your child may have depression. Earlier this week I would come to beat myself up over the article and its purpose. You see, with everything I wrote in that article; although it was true, I failed to see the signs of depression in my own child. At first, I went into a self-loathing mode and blamed myself for not seeing it. I had to come to realize however that even though the way my child cried out for help was extreme, she felt comfortable enough with me to cry out for help. I, as a child did not. I held everything in and didn't let anyone know my deep dark secrets of cutting. I don't know if anyone ever saw. If anyone ever knew. 
This is still hard for me to talk about and I probably will never be okay with talking about it to be truthfully honest. My daughter cut her wrist while I was at work Sunday nigh…

Introductions to DID me part 2

In the last entry "Introductions to DID me part 1" I got a little into who my people are and allowed them to speak for themselves... well they kind of butted in and spoke up on their own. Things like that happen from time to time. Having different personalities is exceptionally different in nature. There are time periods in my life that I just can't remember. One of us in the system can decide what to remember and what not to remember.
For instance, my life does not begin until the age of 8. There are very few flashbacks from my early childhood. In fact the only thing I can remember is my preschool graduation ceremony. I also have one flash of an apartment maybe, the memory however is so dim I'm not sure if it is an actually memory or something created in my mind.  It is often thought that to have different personalities means that you can outwardly tell the difference between a person and their other personalities. The truth is that sometimes the "switch" i…

Introduction to DID me part 1

I’ve become pretty open about havingDissociative Identity Disorder in the last few months.  For those of you who are unsure about exactly what that is, as quoted by Psychology Today “Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. Some people describe this as an experience of possession. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.”
When I tell people that I have multiple personalities they think that it is something cool or something that everyone around us possesses. Truth is that this is something that is very rare. While it is true that we all typically have different personas in which we use on a day to day basis DID is not that simple. I wish it were that simple.
I have frequently searched the internet just trying to find one person anyone who’s written a book on DID that even remotely …

Watch Me

Tick tick tick
Watch me go
Tick tick tick
When will I blow?
Tick tick tick
Do you see me bleed?
Tick tick tick
Can you guess the speed
Tick tick tick
Of self destruction
Tick tick tick
Demolition not production
Tick tick tick
Ready to try
Tick tick tick
When will I die
Tick tick tick
No timer set
Tick tick tick
Haven't self destructed yet
Tick tick tick
No one will see
Tick tick
Boom
The end of me.

What To Eat

The food looks so good
My stomach agrees
But from stomach to brain to mouth
Something stops me
Pig out pig out
My brain taunts
So I fix a full course meal...
That I don't even want.
Eat must eat
Gotta eat to survive
Maybe just enough that it should keep me alive
Ravishing
Ravishing
So hungry I must eat
It's not like it's on purpose
There's something wrong with me.

Suffocate

I'm suffocatingI'm spinningLosing my stepTrying not to fallBecause last night I weptNo I didn't that's a lieMy tears won't fallMy face is dryNo matter what I doNo matter the circumstanceSpinning spinningMight as well danceDance to feel aliveDance to feel awakeDance to hide the tremblingOf a world that continues to shakeI'm trying to drown out the sirensAfraid they will come for meLocking me in an institutionNot higher learningThough I wish I could beTactile hallucinationsTrembling without fearThe sirens are getting closerPlease don't come hereI have children to care for I can't fall apartBecause as bad I am nowWith my daughter it's just the start.

Broken thoughts

No intimacy
Means
No evidence of the scars that I bare
No intimacy
Means
I don't see that you care
I'm spiraling
Spiraling downward in pain
Clouds hanging over me
But it never does rain
The pain
It runs
Runs crimson as can be
With the knowledge
That you're oblivious
To the harm that may be
And I laugh and I cry
Wishing hoping I'd die
Still I'm reaching
Yeah I'm reaching
For someone to even try
Try to convince me
Try to convince me
That living is all worth it
As I look at these scars
I know
I know I don't mean shit
I want to cry
Tell me why
The tears won't seem to fall
I want to stop this
Need to stop this
Yet I can't get through it all
A sigh
Yeah a sigh
As I lie here needing to sleep
But I'm wanting
Needing really
Just to cut a little more deep
This pain
This pain yeah it really stings
Yet I'll wake up tomorrow
Who knows what life will bring.

Oops I did it again

It feels as good as the first time in years
So much better than the tears
A high like no other
Until I come down
Then it will be time
For the next go round
Euphoria
Euphoria
So damn high
Wanting
But unable
Unable to die
Am I spiraling
Yeah I guess
But this feels good
I digress
Feeling euphoric in my drunken state
Releasing the junk
That's on my plate
It's placating
Placating until they see
The demons
The darkness inside of me.

Euphoric Stripes

A tiger and her stripes
Are they greater than her roar?
These stripes
This feeling
Wanting
Needing more
A transference of pain
Temporary as it may be
I find  euphorically addicting
Better than sadness you see
As the blood slowly clots
I find I am able to breathe
Stripes so soothing
And relaxing to me
One
Two
Three times
A large drop
Watching the blood
Slowly begin to clot
How
Just how
Can I extend the pain?
To keep from this depression
And feelings of disdain.

When the clouds form

It happens sometimes without warning. You feel it in the pit of your stomach.  That sinking feeling that won't allow you to eat.  You question, is it the circumstances? Have I taken my medication correctly? Where exactly did this feeling come from? Sometimes there is a direct cause, sometimes outs just the tone of the day. You didn't mean to, you didn't want to, and you certainly didn't intend to wake up depressed.
My difficulty isn't just depression, it's the anxiety of knowing that at any moment my very person's could be the cause of my depression. When two out of three personalities are down it cripples the function of who we are as a whole. This feeling can last anywhere from a few minutes, to a few hours, to days weeks, or even months at a time. There is no estimate available on the duration of this feeling. So what do I do when the clouds set in? Lay in bed and pray that when I wake they will have passed.

Into the night

I'm wide awake right now, my mind is racing through memories and feelings of the past. Things I want to forget, feelings I never want to remember. My first bad memory is of a cousin, who often tried to molest me. We were about the same age, but I was so weak, and he was so heavy. There was nothing I could do on my own to free myself from him. I'd be in the basement at my grandmother's and suddenly everyone would be gone. The first time this happened I was trying to go up the stairs, trying to get past him. He wouldn't let me, he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and I panicked. I did the only thing I could think to do. You see I tried calling for my sister but she never came. I'd call for my cousin Kim and she came every single time I called. She saved me many times, and I am forever thankful for that. I never told anyone. I held it in, buried it.  Secretly relieved when he went to juvenile prison. No more fighting with no luck,  no more being afraid of being alo…

PTSD

I can’t sleep
The images
They keep haunting me
I am at a loss
Dr. What could this be?

Have you had any major stress in your life?

I guess you could say so
I guess that’s right

These images
How do they make you feel?

Sick to my stomach
It seems so unreal
His fat chubby hands grabbing at me
I try to get away
I try to get free
His round fat stomach has got me pinned
Oh no I can’t breathe!
It’s happening again!
The panic
The fear
The tightening of my chest
I don’t want to go back
Can we just skip the rest?

I know it’s not ideal
To relive the pain
But there can be no healing
If things are left the same.

This is so hard
These memories
Why can’t they stay blocked?
Why set them free?
*sigh*
He tries to kiss me I turn my face
I fight and struggle
I can’t get away
I was careful
So careful
To never be by myself
Somehow I’d look up
He’s there!
I must call for help!
I can’t tell the adults
I feel so much shame
This could escalate quickly
I call out …

Fire and ice

Can fire and ice dance
Without extinguishing the flame
Can they tango
Without melting, dripping like rain
Will the low pressures
Meet the high wind speeds
Creating a funnel
Fueled by need
Can the beauty of the phenomenon
Remain in the clouds
What are the chances of survival
Should it touch down
The elements sometimes fickle
Sometimes hot sometimes cold
Which one will consume the other
Will the ice melt against the fires glow
Or will the frost extinguish
All the warmth the fire could show.