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Showing posts from April, 2017

Into the night

I'm wide awake right now, my mind is racing through memories and feelings of the past. Things I want to forget, feelings I never want to remember. My first bad memory is of a cousin, who often tried to molest me. We were about the same age, but I was so weak, and he was so heavy. There was nothing I could do on my own to free myself from him. I'd be in the basement at my grandmother's and suddenly everyone would be gone. The first time this happened I was trying to go up the stairs, trying to get past him. He wouldn't let me, he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and I panicked. I did the only thing I could think to do. You see I tried calling for my sister but she never came. I'd call for my cousin Kim and she came every single time I called. She saved me many times, and I am forever thankful for that. I never told anyone. I held it in, buried it.  Secretly relieved when he went to juvenile prison. No more fighting with no luck,  no more being afraid of being alon


I can’t sleep The images They keep haunting me I am at a loss Dr. What could this be? Have you had any major stress in your life? I guess you could say so I guess that’s right These images How do they make you feel? Sick to my stomach It seems so unreal His fat chubby hands grabbing at me I try to get away I try to get free His round fat stomach has got me pinned Oh no I can’t breathe! It’s happening again! The panic The fear The tightening of my chest I don’t want to go back Can we just skip the rest? I know it’s not ideal To relive the pain But there can be no healing If things are left the same. This is so hard These memories Why can’t they stay blocked? Why set them free? *sigh* He tries to kiss me I turn my face I fight and struggle I can’t get away I was careful So careful To never be by myself Somehow I’d look up He’s there! I must call for help! I can’t tell the adults I