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Showing posts from April, 2017

Into the night

I'm wide awake right now, my mind is racing through memories and feelings of the past. Things I want to forget, feelings I never want to remember. My first bad memory is of a cousin, who often tried to molest me. We were about the same age, but I was so weak, and he was so heavy. There was nothing I could do on my own to free myself from him. I'd be in the basement at my grandmother's and suddenly everyone would be gone. The first time this happened I was trying to go up the stairs, trying to get past him. He wouldn't let me, he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and I panicked. I did the only thing I could think to do. You see I tried calling for my sister but she never came. I'd call for my cousin Kim and she came every single time I called. She saved me many times, and I am forever thankful for that. I never told anyone. I held it in, buried it.  Secretly relieved when he went to juvenile prison. No more fighting with no luck,  no more being afraid of being alo…

PTSD

I can’t sleep
The images
They keep haunting me
I am at a loss
Dr. What could this be?

Have you had any major stress in your life?

I guess you could say so
I guess that’s right

These images
How do they make you feel?

Sick to my stomach
It seems so unreal
His fat chubby hands grabbing at me
I try to get away
I try to get free
His round fat stomach has got me pinned
Oh no I can’t breathe!
It’s happening again!
The panic
The fear
The tightening of my chest
I don’t want to go back
Can we just skip the rest?

I know it’s not ideal
To relive the pain
But there can be no healing
If things are left the same.

This is so hard
These memories
Why can’t they stay blocked?
Why set them free?
*sigh*
He tries to kiss me I turn my face
I fight and struggle
I can’t get away
I was careful
So careful
To never be by myself
Somehow I’d look up
He’s there!
I must call for help!
I can’t tell the adults
I feel so much shame
This could escalate quickly
I call out …