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Into the night

I'm wide awake right now, my mind is racing through memories and feelings of the past. Things I want to forget, feelings I never want to remember. My first bad memory is of a cousin, who often tried to molest me. We were about the same age, but I was so weak, and he was so heavy. There was nothing I could do on my own to free myself from him. I'd be in the basement at my grandmother's and suddenly everyone would be gone. The first time this happened I was trying to go up the stairs, trying to get past him. He wouldn't let me, he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and I panicked. I did the only thing I could think to do. You see I tried calling for my sister but she never came. I'd call for my cousin Kim and she came every single time I called. She saved me many times, and I am forever thankful for that. I never told anyone. I held it in, buried it.  Secretly relieved when he went to juvenile prison. No more fighting with no luck,  no more being afraid of being alone in the basement. It was strange to love the family member who caused you to feel such shame and fear. We once went to visit him while he was locked up, I don't know why I agreed to go I had nothing to say to him. Maybe deep down I hoped he would apologize for what he'd done, but in his mind... it never happened. I would see him again after we were grown. He'd been in a out of jail so much it didn't dawn on me that he would possibly show up at his mothers house. Again, I was alone, the fear right there in my throat, there would be no one to call this time. There would be no way to defend myself because time had not made me stronger,  nor was he any less fat. However, just like that day in mini prison he acted as if nothing had happened. I still can't say his name. I saw a picture of him and broke down in tears. I wish I had known then the pattern my inactions would create. But that's a story for another day.


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