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Reflection

What is this?
I don't recognize this feeling
I'm not afraid
Of what tomorrow holds
I'm not ashamed of me
I'm actually feeling...
Quite bold.
Vibrant
Alive
And dare I say free
What is this?
Who is this?
I know now
That's me!
That's my smile
My laugh
Did I just bat my eyes?
That's my confidence
My joy
That's my pride
Been a long time coming
This reflection of me
Gone is that little girl
Of timidity
So I'll strut
Sashay
While these heels click
Pause
Smile and wink
Cuz I'm a brand new chick.😉

I Am The One

In my previous post I talked about how my week had been. How depressed I was and how I was unable to pretty much do anything or be anything other than depressed. Let me take you through my day on Friday. I woke up Friday morning and again the world was just nothing but gloom and doom for me. It took everything I had in me to get the kids out the door and off to school without bursting into tears. On my way to work I just couldn't stop crying. Still there was no known reason to my tears, but the heart inside my chest was just broken. Even with the good news I'd gotten the day before I could do nothing but cry. I walked into work I don't even know if anyone even noticed the tears in my eyes. I just tried keeping my head down and not talking to anyone. Time seemed to drag on as I waited to escape to my car for my first break. I almost cried on my first two calls. There was no life in my voice at all. I found myself bowing my head and praying "Jesus I need you, just help …

The invisible storm

It started last Thursday. I was just angry for no reason. I thought it was just the onset of mother nature. Surely I could shake the anger and move on.  Then it was like I woke up one morning wanting to cry and I haven't stopped having that feeling ever since. It's really bad right now. The worst its been in years. In fact the last time I remember feeling this hopeless was when I first moved to Lexington at the age of 16. I tried to be happy to fit in and nothing was working. Then I got an upper respiratory infection and a teacher took such pity on me that she basically passed me in health class. Partly because it was already my third time taking a health class, heck as well as my third year of high school and I was only in the 10th grade. This isn't a feeling I would wish on my worst enemy. It's like my heart breaks every morning. The thing about it is, I woke up this morning well rested and in a really good mood and for about 30 minutes I thought that this bout of dep…

I QUIT!!!!!!!!!

It's been awhile since I've blogged. In a way I guess I forgot why it was that I started doing this. It started as a way to get things off of my chest and out in the open and then it quickly became how many views can I get  how many likes. 
The strange thing is, at the beginning of the summer I felt more like I was becoming the true me than I had ever felt. And for the most part that was completely true. I struggled with being single and went back and forth on if I wanted to be single or not. I fell for someone that would never return those feelings back to me. I do have some resentment there not because the feelings weren't returned, but because the friendship kind of died not long after my admission. It showed me that everyone that wants the privilege of being called friend and seeing you cry is not worthy of such. I also spent some time hanging on to a past relationship. Letting love go is hard for me has always been that way. This one was very hard, even harder because …

Not Enough Time

My dear future husband,
I've been thinking lately. You know I haven't written anything to you in awhile. I think it was because writing you made me over eager to meet you. When you love someone before even meeting them it makes you anxious to meet them. It even makes you anxious to the point where you try to find that person in every guy you meet. I know for a fact that when I meet you I will just know who you are. There will be no guessing, no hope, it will just be you. I've been a little down lately. Not on everything just some things from my past. A particular person. I'm attached to them and I care about them and I would like to be completely over them with his and mines friendship still in tact. I don't know if that is possible. I pray that it is. I hope you to know that I don't think of you any less than I have previously. You are on my mind often; I pray for you. I know that God has created you perfectly for me, and I for you. I must admit it makes me ne…

Illusion

What you see is an illusion
Something you think is real
You can guess
You can speculate
You can only guess how I truly feel
You may catch a glimpse
I will always throw doubt
But I'm always straight forward
If you can figure me out
Within every lie
Something may actually be true
All of it is
All doesn't pertain to you
I tell stories you see
Past present future intertwined
I cannot let you see
What is in this heart of mine
But if you know
If you can tell I'm talking to you
Maybe this illusion
Is actually true.

Temptation

TemptationHis smile
His drive
His ambition
So...AttractiveOne glance
One touch
My body
So... Reactive.How long
Have we know each other now
Years...
I'm sure
Still I don't know howIt's there
You can see it
You almost feel in the way
Because
Inbetween the cause
Our eyes will playTag Your turn to glance at me
My turn to blush
Bite your lip for meIt's good to see you
Good to see you too
Keep in touch
I will
Then the moment fades
Until the next cause
Or chance encounter
Is made.

My Sex Be Like... ;-)

I am hardly ever speaking directly to someone when I post. In fact most of the time I am actually speaking to myself more than I am speaking to anyone... with that being said. I'm still on sexual purity. No one wants to hear about that. No one wants to hear about abstinence, everyone wants to hear about how good God is and ride the coattails of his many blessings. 
Song Of Solomon 8:4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. This verse is straight forward and to the point there is nothing that needs to be said with this one. There is a time and place for everything. To awake Love to arouse Love before completely understanding exactly what it is to love without understanding the desires of Love causes heartbreak.  1 Corinthians 6:13b The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. Society is fooling everyone into thinking that casual sex is without consequence. That it is something that is just for u…

SEX and the SINGLE

I just wanted to hear those words. I figured after all that time he would know that I was ready that I was just waiting to be asked. The sad reality is that he didn't even know if he wanted the same things as I did. When we date a man it has but one goal, and we think to ourselves if we just get this right if we just last long enough sure enough he will ask, we will accept, and once those wedding bells sound we will be in marital bliss. 
The pain of trying to get there is exponential. Each time we try, it takes a little more out of us. We care just a little more and a little less all at the same time. I couldn't even begin to explain the pain I felt over one of my exes we'll call him Lage. That man didn't break my heart, he broke me. I was broken, I lost myself because of what I allowed from him. I saw it clearly and still I fell because he loved me, he said he loved me, he meant he loved me, but did he really? In some strange twisted way I believe that he did love me, …

Gay Marriage

6-26-2015 Gay Marriage became legal across the united states. I've seen post after post after post celebrating its legalization. I personally have mixed emotions about ruling. Here are my reasons why...
I originally voted FOR the legalization of gay marriage. I remember the day I voted plain as day. I was getting ready to go vote and my mother looked at me and said remember to vote against it. I rolled my eyes and voted for it. I didn't really think that it would pass for Kentucky but I figured if they want to get married why not. Who am I to judge them if they want to get married it doesn't affect me... I was young stupid and I had personal reasons as to why I was for it at the time. I'm not old but it seems like a lifetime ago. Fast forward to today's (6-26-2015) ruling. I've felt unsettled since the ruling. I've seen so much. People happy about it people saying that's great what about legalizing being black in America and people completely ignoring it…

My Spiritual Gift is What Now?!

So I was listening to a sermon/discussion on iDisciple by June Hunt Called Discerning Your Spiritual Gift. I was enthralled with what she was talking about. I had heard about the spiritual gifts but I really didn't bother to look them up. I've actually been reading them in various books of the bible I have been studying lately. I cheated however and googled the ones that I could not find. I did find a website that described them to me very plainly. 
http://christianity.about.com/od/holyspirittopicalstudy/a/spiritualgifts_2.htm
June Hunt basically just said that to find out your spiritual gift take a look at the things that you have done in ministry and write down what it is that gave you the most joy and then compare that to the list of your spiritual gifts and do that. So I got my cheat sheet google and wrote on a piece of paper all of the spiritual gifts... there are way more than I knew about, but I wrote those down and I happily checked them off. I checked off three spiritua…

My Vices Are Many

Here it is almost a month later to the day since I have last posted. The last month has been kind of hectic for me. I've had a few panic attacks over worrying about moving. Then actually moving and still in the process of moving actually. I've basically spent so much time in thought. The thing about it is, I've been blocking my blessing. All this time that I have spent thinking and thinking and thinking about what it is that I would like to do I have yet to actually just put it into motion. I can make the excuse that I don't know how to get started or what to do, but honestly its just as simple as opening my mouth and speaking. It's not because I'm afraid of the subject matter. I fear that I will say the wrong thing. I doubt myself because of the flaws that I deal with on a day to day basis currently. I feel like how can I witness to people when I myself still actively struggle with the things I feel a need to speak on. 
When my cousin Melissa died it hurt but I…

I resent mothers day

You read the title correctly, it was not a mistake. I have a number of things going on in my life. My daily life that just has me exhausted. My thoughts run a mile a minute... Here is a sample of them written probably exactly how they apart in my head...
Okay I'm awake man on have to pee thank you God for waking me up this morning I should really get up and go pee what time is it I have to be up in 30 go to the bathroom wake up kids give Jo his medicine book bags purse keys or the door pick up mommy work should I stop for breakfast I wonder if there are any houses or this way for rent I need to drive through this neighborhood one day and see Tasha must be at work already I really need to get this money order figured out and check my bank account to see how much is in there in driving so I can't do that I'll wait for a stop light crap it's not red long enough I'm sorry Jesus forgive me (says prayer) OK click in I hope they Low I still have to find a place to move t…

Altered Reality

My eyes are heavy, slowly, I drift off to sleep.... Sliding the alarm to snooze on my phone I lie there on my side my eyes still closed. I groan when it goes off again five minutes later.
"Why don't you just get up the first time?" I hear a male voice say sleepily beside me.
My eyes fly open I didn't drink last night. I went to bed alone. No roofies were slipped into my water. My heart pounds loudly within my chest.
"I know you're up." he's says turning to me.
I find I can't breathe it's him. My future husband lying beside me. How did he get here?
"Good morning, Are you okay?" he asks at my silence.
"Good morning. I'm okay. How did you sleep?" I ask with a little more confidence than I had.
"Doesn't matter how I slept, it only matters that God saw fit to wake me up this morning." he smiled at me.
Although I wanted to kiss him I could only smile. Sitting up I found myself stretching wide. In shock …

I'M NOTHING!!!!!!

Bible study was powerful tonight! We talked again about the beatitudes. The discussion came up about forgiveness and unresolved conflict. In trying to have a pure heart. 
A friend and I fell out last year... one of many but the nail in the coffin so to speak. See the bad thing is that this started with a guy. I've played it out over and over again in my mind to see where I was wrong in what I asked. The situation was he said she said. I was not happy with either one of them and they both heard my mouth on the situation. So many factors played into why they didn't care for each other. Sigh- But I was convicted tonight to go and get some closure over this situation because the things said were just hurtful. I've apologized for my part in it multiple times actually and I think that is what bothers me. She's never once apologized for the hurtful things she said to me. Tonight she told me that she didn't think about it that it is what it is she's moved on from it and…

I Hear The Chains Fallin

I've been thinking and have come to realize that something major is changing within me. I know this because I completely flipped out on an ex boyfriend of mine and said some things I should have said long ago. I was too afraid to say them because well I wasn't a girl who liked to burn her bridges I held on to possibilities. I'm not angry with him at all.  It just seemed as though I got to a point where I was ready to move forward and we seemed to just move backwards until we neither went forward or backward. I would like to get married again and I realized that I was settling waiting for a change that wouldn't come. He's a great guy,  but my guy. My future husband (not the one I used to talk about I mean he's the same one but well like I said he doesn't know I exist so I can't get to know him if I don't like tell him and talk to him you know)  but my future husband is a man that will say I'm not where I want to be but she accepts me as I am and …

Test the Spirit By the Spirit

I have to start this with the dream I had last night. (4-18-2014)

I had the strangest dream. I was at a restaurant waiting to see a performance. One guy who was sitting at the table next to me asked if he could move closer and they told him no so he asked them why. Well they ended up trying to fix the sound and a micro phone ended up close to me. I wouldn't say anything and it was because every time I spoke the crowd could hear me. So he asked me Again. I said something along the lines of. My words are not for the weak minded. My words bare a soul that not everyone is meant to hear or understand, they are the biggest part of me and I don't share that with everyone. He then proceeded to tell me that he knew me and called me by name asked me to meet him the next day at a park. It was a beautiful sunny day. He showed up and began to tell me that he's loved me for a long time. Again I tell him I don't know him and he doesn't know me. He pulls out a box with at least 7 l…

Jesus this hurts

Jesus this hurts
I don't want this pain
I think of where I could be
Should be
And where I'm not
Take it away
Please let it stop
This is why
I don't give the real me
The pain
Is too much you see
I don't feel in the surface
I feel in my soul
I don't give Charlene
I don't give Nicole
This one time
Since him
The one who got away
I gave
I gave
Like him
You didn't stay
Oh but like him
You see
You didn't leave
You stayed I stayed
How could you not see
So much more
So much more
I needed from you
I tried so hard
To ween myself off of you
Jesus
God
Just help me sleep
To awake
Move on
And find someone
I can keep.

Let's Take A Long Walk

There was this psychological exercise I completed online. It gave this scenario You are walking in the woods and you can take one person with you. Who are you walking with... You come across an animal what is that animal? What action does the animal take? You Continue walking and you come to a house in the woods what does the house look like? Is it fenced in or no? you walk into the house and what do you see on the kitchen table? there is a cup on the table out in the garden what kind of cup is it what do you do with the cup you walk out the back door and there is a body of water what is the body of water Lake river stream pond? you have to cross that river how wet do you get in crossing the river? With my most recent ex in mind I had a bunny rabbit show up as the animal and it just hopped merrily along I couldn't picture a house at all there was an open white picket fence and a foundation for a house and ever some erected timber but I couldn't picture a finished product hous…

I am Changing (Trying Every Way I Can)

"I am changing trying every way I can." This is how I have felt lately. You know I was at bible study last night and Kim asked me about the Easter egg hunt. I was at the popcorn machine all day and some of you may have been there to know that for the first couple of hours between the popcorn machine and the cotton candy machine and the generator we were going through some things. Before I get into what was asked I have to give you my outlook on it from my point of view. When I got there popcorn was popping and everything was going fine. I walked around a bit and my children ran off so I had nothing to do. I can't give blood because of my sickle cell trait and I just didn't want to stand around bored. Honestly I was ready to go about 10 minutes after I got there. So I just found myself something to help with and that was the popcorn machine. I love popcorn and I really wanted some to be honest. LoL and I wanted the fresh out of the kettle popcorn that still had the co…