Skip to main content

I Hear The Chains Fallin

I've been thinking and have come to realize that something major is changing within me. I know this because I completely flipped out on an ex boyfriend of mine and said some things I should have said long ago. I was too afraid to say them because well I wasn't a girl who liked to burn her bridges I held on to possibilities. I'm not angry with him at all.  It just seemed as though I got to a point where I was ready to move forward and we seemed to just move backwards until we neither went forward or backward. I would like to get married again and I realized that I was settling waiting for a change that wouldn't come. He's a great guy,  but my guy. My future husband (not the one I used to talk about I mean he's the same one but well like I said he doesn't know I exist so I can't get to know him if I don't like tell him and talk to him you know)  but my future husband is a man that will say I'm not where I want to be but she accepts me as I am and encourages me to be the best me I can be I don't want to wait; marry me.
Alright so this is what I have figured out...  And I realize how informal this is written... I'm slowly becoming okay and not obsessing over weddings.  I mean have you seen my Pinterest? I think my wedding board passed my fitness board.  Plus I realized that the wedding rings in my news feed no longer give me that longing feeling yes I want to get married but I find that what I have actually longed for this entire time was companionship. I'm finding that more and more each day with God. Also I would just like more fellowship. My desire to have those things tell me that what I was seeking with ex boyfriends was so far from what I actually wanted.
God creates a closeness to those who have a thirst and hunger for Him. He also creates distance in those who would hinder their personal growth. I feel the closeness of people and the distance of others. Some of these people I love with the very best of my heart and have known for years they were not meant to be in my life anymore yet still held on. Those are the people who have to wonder why I don't text and call like I used to. They fail to understand my relationship with God. I don't neglect them on purpose I just get so caught up with church or studying my Bible I'm usually worn out and forget to contact them. However when your phone is never turned off and you are always available people take your time for granted. I literally had a cousin call me at 1am once, like seriously dude I have three children in elementary school who wake up at 6:30 am. I learned that I was more available to friends than I was to God. In changing that I just feel more at peace. You know I feel less fear believe it or not. My life is changing and I'm excited to see what those changes bring.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…