Skip to main content

I Hear The Chains Fallin

I've been thinking and have come to realize that something major is changing within me. I know this because I completely flipped out on an ex boyfriend of mine and said some things I should have said long ago. I was too afraid to say them because well I wasn't a girl who liked to burn her bridges I held on to possibilities. I'm not angry with him at all.  It just seemed as though I got to a point where I was ready to move forward and we seemed to just move backwards until we neither went forward or backward. I would like to get married again and I realized that I was settling waiting for a change that wouldn't come. He's a great guy,  but my guy. My future husband (not the one I used to talk about I mean he's the same one but well like I said he doesn't know I exist so I can't get to know him if I don't like tell him and talk to him you know)  but my future husband is a man that will say I'm not where I want to be but she accepts me as I am and encourages me to be the best me I can be I don't want to wait; marry me.
Alright so this is what I have figured out...  And I realize how informal this is written... I'm slowly becoming okay and not obsessing over weddings.  I mean have you seen my Pinterest? I think my wedding board passed my fitness board.  Plus I realized that the wedding rings in my news feed no longer give me that longing feeling yes I want to get married but I find that what I have actually longed for this entire time was companionship. I'm finding that more and more each day with God. Also I would just like more fellowship. My desire to have those things tell me that what I was seeking with ex boyfriends was so far from what I actually wanted.
God creates a closeness to those who have a thirst and hunger for Him. He also creates distance in those who would hinder their personal growth. I feel the closeness of people and the distance of others. Some of these people I love with the very best of my heart and have known for years they were not meant to be in my life anymore yet still held on. Those are the people who have to wonder why I don't text and call like I used to. They fail to understand my relationship with God. I don't neglect them on purpose I just get so caught up with church or studying my Bible I'm usually worn out and forget to contact them. However when your phone is never turned off and you are always available people take your time for granted. I literally had a cousin call me at 1am once, like seriously dude I have three children in elementary school who wake up at 6:30 am. I learned that I was more available to friends than I was to God. In changing that I just feel more at peace. You know I feel less fear believe it or not. My life is changing and I'm excited to see what those changes bring.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Just(in) Grief 2

I had a blog post all written out in my notebook and decided not to post it but to write off the cuff. 

Today was a good day... for most of the day. At some point I began thinking about grief and how it affects me and that completely tanked my mood for a while. I, of course, started thinking about Justin. For those of you who don't know who Justin is, he's a dear friend and a former love interest of mine who passed away July 6th, 2017.

Prosperity and Faith

Every day is a struggle for me, some days more than others. Let's just say that this year is not my financial year and I found myself depressed and angry. In a recent venting session with my boyfriend, I asked this question; Why do the most faithful to God struggle so much?

Genevieve Lost

CHAPTER 1
I couldn't believe Edith had the nerve to act like she was better than me. Who did she think she was? I mean I've been saved since I was ten years old. I know who God is, I know who Jesus is, and they are the only ones who can judge me. Sure my life isn't perfect but whose is. We all sin, I repent of my sins every day as long as God forgives me I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and that includes my high and mighty sister. I guess I would be spending more time at John's house after my weekend binges, now that my sister had kicked me out and taken back her key.