A Tiger and Her Stripes

July 6th, 2017 I got a screenshot that sunk my entire ship so to speak. It was supposed to be a good day. I was talking to a friend and having a good time. It was my sister's birthday, it wasn't supposed to have gone the way it went. I remember I was devastated. I'd essentially lost the love of my life with whom I wasn't even with at the time. Sure I was at that time in a relationship but it didn't hurt any less nor did it change how I felt about him. I grieved for months and that put a strain on my already failing relationship, and when it ended I did something I should never have done...

It's 5:30am and I am currently completing school work. For those of you who don't know, I am currently seeking my degree in Psychology with a concentration in mental health. For the past two terms, I have been fairing well in my studies and was and am very proud of myself, but I've run into some issues along the way. 

When someone says that they have OCD it is often associated with repetition, the need to have things a certain way, or excessive cleaning. Well, I have OCD. I was quite shocked when I got the diagnosis because I didn't exhibit any of those thraits listed. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The ironic thing about those symptoms is that it can actually be an outward manifestation of anxiety, but that is something completely different from this entry. This entry is focusing on my OCD the type of OCD that is not often talked about, one that most people are afraid to even talk about with their therapist. What kind of OCD do I have? I have obsessive cumplusive instrusive thoughts. I'm not 100% versed on the type of thoughts "normal" people have, since its said that at some point in our lives everyone has intrusive thoughts. I can only speak for the thoughts that run through my head.  My intrusive thoughts manifest as thoughts of what if tragedies, a fear of hurting m

The very first Christian author I can remember reading is Kimberla Lawson Roby. Even moreso amazing than finding her books is that I can remember exactly what happened. The book was called "Be Careful What You Pray For". I picked it up read the synopsis and decided to buy it. I knew I was starting late in the series but it was still an easy to follow read. Ever since that moment she has been who I looked up to for urban Christian fiction. I am too far behind her releases to catch up at this time but it doesn't change what her books mean to me. Why am I telling you all of this? Well as you may or may not know; I am a Christian Fiction Author! My First published work sadly was not Christian fiction and to be truthfully honest I hate it and regret ever publishing it or selling it. However, Genevieve Lost is my baby, my pride and joy. I prayed to God for this book, about this book, and allowed him to lead me through the writing of this book. At the time I still wanted to d

Have you ever felt hunger in the pit of your stomach? You haven't eaten all day and you find yourself ravished? I had that feeling a few days ago and even now as I write this. I couldn't figure it out because I ate that day (a couple of times yay me!) but the hunger was still there. Today however I am choosing not to eat by choice. That's a completely different topic for another day. 

I started off having a really great morning. I was laughing, singing, making jokes, and having a good time at work; but all that changed with one message; Hi. It seems like a harmless word and under normal circumstances it is. However, the person who sent this one seemingly harmless word is someone I have been avoiding for quite some time. Recently they tried to add me back on facebook and I haven't accepted them. The problem is this person triggers my PTSD. All the things of the past come crashing in like a tidal wave and I am helpless for the time being to do anything about it. 

Image credit:  https://theconversation.com/us/topics/dsm-5-2189 Again, Lord why? Why am I a walking talking DSM-5? For those of you who don't know what the DSM-5 is according to Psychiatry.org , it is The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders...

As it stands I have gone through many changes and I don't mean in personalities either. You see, I was talking to someone and they asked me a question that got me thinking. WHO AM I? My fingers were poised at the keyboard ready to reply and when I looked up I realized I had sent... "I'm not even sure anymore." which lead me to wonder... why don't I know?

Image credit:  https://twitter.com/innervoice_wf I've had such a difficult time writing as of lately. Even the simplest of things have become jumbled somewhere in my mind and from fingers, to paper I lose something in the translation. Words are the biggest part of me and I fully believe that words and writing are what I am meant to do with my life, as well as help heal.

The month is almost over and I have yet to say anything about mental illness. Maybe this is because I deal with mental illness every day of my life through personal experience as well as parental experience. I'm no stranger to the effects of depression and anxiety and as I mentioned in DID Me 1, 2, and 3 I am affected daily by Dissociative Identity disorder (DID). All of these things have prompted me to go to school for psychology to not only gain a better understanding of myself but to help those with DID escape the experimental treatment they often get from psychologist. I believe that my firsthand knowledge of some of the effects of DID will be beneficial to not only those who are affected by it but women of color who feel as though they are the minority within the minority of mental illness.

I am 34 years old, soon to be 35 and I am starting on May 6th at Southern New Hampshire University for my bachelors in Psychology. When I thought about college and what I wanted to do I've for years gone back and forth between wanting to go into this field of study, one minute wanting to do it and the next thinking I couldn't do it. There are many times I wished I would have done it sooner but mentally I was prepared for it like I am now. 

I'm in a group on Facebook that talks about all things mental health. One of the things I noticed, as with any group of people, there are certain topics that are generally either tread lightly topics or off-limits topics. Two of the most recent topics to cause a rift within the group have been sexuality in itself and religion in itself, not together as a whole. 

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone and instead of letting the chips fall where they may you feel you have to explain yourself? I'm currently going through that at this moment; I actually have many moments in which I go through this. Sometimes you will get into a discussion that neither you or the other person will come into agreement with, but for some reason, you feel compelled to explain yourself further.

This week has been a week, and it's only Wednesday. Monday was a very depressive day in which I couldn't get out of the bed and seriously thought about quitting my job. It's also the day I realized something about my medication. See, over the past two or three months now I have only consistently had two of the three medications I am on. Now, just to be clear there is no medication that can "cure" Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), because it is a trauma based disorder it is generally coupled with conditions like depression and anxiety. I'm still learning new things about the disorder myself. Although I've had it for a while now there are still things about me and all of my alters that I am learning. One of those things is about Alice (5 or 6 years old).

I wish I'd  known about this scripture years ago. I wish it had jumped off the page and into my mind; alas it did not. Instead, here I am in awe of the words written before me. You see when I started searching the scriptures this morning I was looking for something on the kindness of Christians and it brought me to 1 John 3:18-19, but when I kept reading, this particular verse stuck out to me.

Romans 8:30 And those He predestined, He also called; and those He called, He also justified; and those He justified, he also glorified. This scritpture serves as a constant reminder that my calling has been justified. It seems silly that God called me to so something and even as I walk in it I find myself doubting it, but when I step back and look at the big picture I realize it's not the calling I have doubt in; it is myself. Am I writing what God wants me to write? Am I intepreting the scripture correctly? Is this really my calling or just my talent? These are all questions I have asked myself at some time or another, sometimes multiple times a month. As I get closer to the release of my first contemporary Christian fiction book the words of this scripture are all the more real to me. 

I'm sorry it's been awhile since Ihave engaged with you, my faithful readers. A lot has been going, I hope that you are able to forgive me.  Now, with that said I will try to update you on what has been going on with me lately. As you all know from my previous entry Just(in) Grief 2  I've been greiving the loss of the Love of my life for over a year now. As of two weeks ago I was hit with yet another loss of someone very close to me, my ex stepchild and sons brother. It was as unexpected incident in which he lost his life. This rocked me to my core. He was such a special child, he knew no stranger and was always happy. At the memorial they made the comment that the song by Pherrell Happy was a great song that made you think of him, and it couldn't be more true. He's resting with God now and although I am truly saddened by his absence from us I am happy that he is in the best place he could be. After Trevon's passing I finally took the step to seek help and joi

CHAPTER 1 I couldn't believe Edith had the nerve to act like she was better than me. Who did she think she was? I mean I've been saved since I was ten years old. I know who God is, I know who Jesus is, and they are the only ones who can judge me. Sure my life isn't perfect but whose is. We all sin, I repent of my sins every day as long as God forgives me I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and that includes my high and mighty sister. I guess I would be spending more time at John's house after my weekend binges, now that my sister had kicked me out and taken back her key.