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Grieving The Wrong Way

July 6th, 2017 I got a screenshot that sunk my entire ship so to speak. It was supposed to be a good day. I was talking to a friend and having a good time. It was my sister's birthday, it wasn't supposed to have gone the way it went. I remember I was devastated. I'd essentially lost the love of my life with whom I wasn't even with at the time. Sure I was at that time in a relationship but it didn't hurt any less nor did it change how I felt about him. I grieved for months and that put a strain on my already failing relationship, and when it ended I did something I should never have done...

I basically started a new relationship before the old one even ended. It wasn't anything official we were just "friends" who was seeing where things went and lo and behold it went about 4 months later into a relationship. I don't regret the relationship, I regret the timing. 

That relationship would last a little over a year and afterward, I felt empty. I still feel empty. It's been 4 months since it ended and today I came to the realization that the rolling grief I experience from time to time is not a sign that I have healed but a sign that I haven't healed and I have yet to work through my grief. The relationship was wonderful don't get me wrong, aside from Justin only he and one other person treated me the way I deserved to be treated, but I hid behind that relationship for over a year and now that I've taken my blinders off and allowed myself to feel I'm lost in the wind. 

Instead of moving forward in Love I am now at a standstill, a very painful one. I want to be in a relationship so bad, I want the loneliness to go away and day after day it remains. I've been grieving the wrong way and now I have to somehow find the strength to fight through it and come out on top in love again. I have to re-find me. It's a journey I'm not prepared for, but then again I wasn't prepared to lose him so soon either. This realization has been both liberating and scary for me. In some ways, I have peace in the understanding that I need to properly grieve, but in other ways, I know that in dealing with that grief I will have to relive that moment, the one moment in which I found out he was gone. 

I've been distracted for far too long. So here is my list of things not to do when grieving.

1. Do not try to rush the grieving process. We all hate the feeling that loss leaves but I promise you rushing it will not benefit you in any way.
2. Do not make any major life decisions right away. I quit my job after losing Justin and I regret it. Everything that followed that moment was a direct result of making a split decision. (I've been struggling financially ever since)
3. Do not start a new relationship. This may seem like a no brainer but after losing the love of my life I not only got out of my current relationship at the time but went right into another one. It was not only unfair to the guy but it was unfair to myself. I had yet to stop comparing anyone and the way they loved to Justin.
4. Last but not least TAKE THE TIME TO FIND YOU AGAIN! Notice I put that in all caps. When someone dies you lose a part of yourself that you will never get back, and in some cases you actually lose all sense of who you are (as in my case) find you again. Find how to live life while remembering that person.

I don't have it all together, I don't even know if this is sound advice, more or less this advice is to myself more than others. I just hope that this blesses and helps someone else and helps them recognize that there is a right way to grieve... we just have to be able to call ourselves out on it. 


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