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Showing posts from July, 2018

Peace And Acceptance

Here I am on my lunch break sitting in a somber mood. There is no apparent reasoning behind it, I just sort of woke up with a cloud hanging over my head. The things that had been stressing me as of late have been resolved and although the decision was not what I wanted it was the exact conclusion God intended for me to come to. In that I truly have peace.

When I made the decision not to move I felt every bit of stress leave my body. My mind was quickly put at ease and the day seemed much brighter. I've come to realize this mornings mood is a byproduct of yesterdays decision.
Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I'll say it again. Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I knew I had come to the right decision because of the peace that washed over me and the lift in my mood. However, I did not accept the decision. I still want to move, i still want to force a change even though i know that it is not God's timing. I'm getting in my own way.
This move to another city was…

Shattered Endurance

I've always been the type of person you could see right through. Although I liked to have thought it wasn't true I've always been told otherwise. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stress in my eyes, and sadness in my smile. This week has been a difficult week for me. I recently found out that a major life change that is supposed to come next year has affected my oldest daughter and sent her into a small bout of depression. Financially I am tapped out and struggling and I can't seem to get above water long enough to breathe. Struggling with mental illness on my part and that of my daughters has always weighed heavy on me, not to mention the issues my son has with ADHD.

I'm having a hard time writing this. A hard time getting my thoughts together so please bear with me. This scripture right here is supposed to be comforting and I can see the comfort in the scripture, but I can't feel it. Everything going on right now has me bogged down and I just feel like I can't…

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…