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Showing posts from April, 2015

Altered Reality

My eyes are heavy, slowly, I drift off to sleep.... Sliding the alarm to snooze on my phone I lie there on my side my eyes still closed. I groan when it goes off again five minutes later.
"Why don't you just get up the first time?" I hear a male voice say sleepily beside me.
My eyes fly open I didn't drink last night. I went to bed alone. No roofies were slipped into my water. My heart pounds loudly within my chest.
"I know you're up." he's says turning to me.
I find I can't breathe it's him. My future husband lying beside me. How did he get here?
"Good morning, Are you okay?" he asks at my silence.
"Good morning. I'm okay. How did you sleep?" I ask with a little more confidence than I had.
"Doesn't matter how I slept, it only matters that God saw fit to wake me up this morning." he smiled at me.
Although I wanted to kiss him I could only smile. Sitting up I found myself stretching wide. In shock …

I'M NOTHING!!!!!!

Bible study was powerful tonight! We talked again about the beatitudes. The discussion came up about forgiveness and unresolved conflict. In trying to have a pure heart. 
A friend and I fell out last year... one of many but the nail in the coffin so to speak. See the bad thing is that this started with a guy. I've played it out over and over again in my mind to see where I was wrong in what I asked. The situation was he said she said. I was not happy with either one of them and they both heard my mouth on the situation. So many factors played into why they didn't care for each other. Sigh- But I was convicted tonight to go and get some closure over this situation because the things said were just hurtful. I've apologized for my part in it multiple times actually and I think that is what bothers me. She's never once apologized for the hurtful things she said to me. Tonight she told me that she didn't think about it that it is what it is she's moved on from it and…

I Hear The Chains Fallin

I've been thinking and have come to realize that something major is changing within me. I know this because I completely flipped out on an ex boyfriend of mine and said some things I should have said long ago. I was too afraid to say them because well I wasn't a girl who liked to burn her bridges I held on to possibilities. I'm not angry with him at all.  It just seemed as though I got to a point where I was ready to move forward and we seemed to just move backwards until we neither went forward or backward. I would like to get married again and I realized that I was settling waiting for a change that wouldn't come. He's a great guy,  but my guy. My future husband (not the one I used to talk about I mean he's the same one but well like I said he doesn't know I exist so I can't get to know him if I don't like tell him and talk to him you know)  but my future husband is a man that will say I'm not where I want to be but she accepts me as I am and …

Test the Spirit By the Spirit

I have to start this with the dream I had last night. (4-18-2014)

I had the strangest dream. I was at a restaurant waiting to see a performance. One guy who was sitting at the table next to me asked if he could move closer and they told him no so he asked them why. Well they ended up trying to fix the sound and a micro phone ended up close to me. I wouldn't say anything and it was because every time I spoke the crowd could hear me. So he asked me Again. I said something along the lines of. My words are not for the weak minded. My words bare a soul that not everyone is meant to hear or understand, they are the biggest part of me and I don't share that with everyone. He then proceeded to tell me that he knew me and called me by name asked me to meet him the next day at a park. It was a beautiful sunny day. He showed up and began to tell me that he's loved me for a long time. Again I tell him I don't know him and he doesn't know me. He pulls out a box with at least 7 l…

Jesus this hurts

Jesus this hurts
I don't want this pain
I think of where I could be
Should be
And where I'm not
Take it away
Please let it stop
This is why
I don't give the real me
The pain
Is too much you see
I don't feel in the surface
I feel in my soul
I don't give Charlene
I don't give Nicole
This one time
Since him
The one who got away
I gave
I gave
Like him
You didn't stay
Oh but like him
You see
You didn't leave
You stayed I stayed
How could you not see
So much more
So much more
I needed from you
I tried so hard
To ween myself off of you
Jesus
God
Just help me sleep
To awake
Move on
And find someone
I can keep.

Let's Take A Long Walk

There was this psychological exercise I completed online. It gave this scenario You are walking in the woods and you can take one person with you. Who are you walking with... You come across an animal what is that animal? What action does the animal take? You Continue walking and you come to a house in the woods what does the house look like? Is it fenced in or no? you walk into the house and what do you see on the kitchen table? there is a cup on the table out in the garden what kind of cup is it what do you do with the cup you walk out the back door and there is a body of water what is the body of water Lake river stream pond? you have to cross that river how wet do you get in crossing the river? With my most recent ex in mind I had a bunny rabbit show up as the animal and it just hopped merrily along I couldn't picture a house at all there was an open white picket fence and a foundation for a house and ever some erected timber but I couldn't picture a finished product hous…

I am Changing (Trying Every Way I Can)

"I am changing trying every way I can." This is how I have felt lately. You know I was at bible study last night and Kim asked me about the Easter egg hunt. I was at the popcorn machine all day and some of you may have been there to know that for the first couple of hours between the popcorn machine and the cotton candy machine and the generator we were going through some things. Before I get into what was asked I have to give you my outlook on it from my point of view. When I got there popcorn was popping and everything was going fine. I walked around a bit and my children ran off so I had nothing to do. I can't give blood because of my sickle cell trait and I just didn't want to stand around bored. Honestly I was ready to go about 10 minutes after I got there. So I just found myself something to help with and that was the popcorn machine. I love popcorn and I really wanted some to be honest. LoL and I wanted the fresh out of the kettle popcorn that still had the co…

Open Letter To My Future Husband

It saddens me that this is my last public letter to you. I mean how else am I supposed to tell you without actually telling you how I feel about you. The thing is that I have so many things to say to you and don't have to courage to say them. I've been writing to a mystery man that is not a mystery, not to me anyway. I know who he, is in my heart I do. The only time I have ever been this sure about something was when I was pregnant with my son. I knew he was a boy from conception, I even know when he was conceived. Doctors looked at me funny but I wanted my boy and I knew I was meant to have my boy. I remember the first ultrasound in which we were to find out what he was. I looked at the screen and his little legs were gaped wide open showing he was a boy. You didn't have to be an expert to read that. LoL I don't have to be an expert to know the signs.
I know who you are, God knows who you are, and I'm waiting on you to know who I am to you. But of all of the things…

Lent part 3

Happy Resurrection day! I have to admit that my journey through Lent was difficult. I wish that I could say that I made it the entire time but I did not. When I faltered it felt like the end of the world to me and I was hurt. I mean really hurt about it. I felt so much pain and guilt... the beauty of it was that because of my time with God during that time I was able to find comfort in the word of God. I was able to pick up the love I have for myself where I left it, dust it off, and carry on. I pray more and read my word more. I've noticed major growth in myself. Today as I was on that stage with the choir rocking out I realized that the old me was too shy to openly praise God like I did today. The old me was too shy to do more than clap even if she was standing in the back. The old me would have sung just loud enough unsure of her pitch and tone. The old me was afraid under those bright lights even among all of those people around me. The OLD ME didn't leave church still sing…