A Tiger and Her Stripes

Random conversations at work tend to be the best sort of conversations. One such conversation occurred last week that has been on my mind ever since. In true ADHD fashion, I cannot tell you how this conversation came about. I can only tell you that by the conclusion of that conversation, I have been contemplating deeply on my bucket list. Two of the three of us had bucket lists, can you guess which person didn't have one? Yes, that would be me. Oddly enough, during my recent vacation to Tennessee with my best girlfriends, the mention of go-karting as something on one of their bucket lists didn't get this sort of response out of me. In fact, I thought it was cute that that was one of the things on their list. So, why was last week's conversation different? Why was that the moment I thought about what was on mine, and did I actually have one? It's taken a week to figure it all out, but this is what I came up with. First, I didn't even know what should go on my bucket ...

  It's frustrating that I even feel the need to write about this. It's more than frustrating, it's downright infuriating. It's so strange to look back on my life and see how far I have come. I used to have the worst attitude in the world. If my day was going bad I would take it out on anyone and everyone at any given time. It wasn't until I was at McDonald's one day, and a lady I had been really nasty to said to me "Honey, I haven't done anything to you." I remember exactly how I felt in that moment. The mere memory of it elicits the same emotions and feelings of that moment. The realization as it swept over me, the light that seemed to brighten my world, and the smile that spread across my face. I felt light, and I felt free. I apologized and vowed from that day forward that I would try my best not to take my bad day out on others. Admittingly, I still struggle with it from time to time, however, in those moments that I do forget I try to at least...

Internally I scream at the top of my lungs, Louder and louder than I've ever sung, The invisible tears envelope me and wrap me in their arms, My mind does more damage to me than self harm, The cuts I can imagine, I no longer follow through, A win of sorts, But now what do I do? Smoke? Drink? I'm on the brink, Of insanity because sanity seems to escape me, Poetry no motion stuck in one place, Char Onyx Chamele pick one, Choose a face.

  My brain says write, so I sit down at the computer, turn it on, pull up a word document, poise my fingers to begin... and nothing comes. My brain goes completely blank, I close the program and return to Hulu or Crunchyroll. Surely after watching something mindless I'll be able to write. No such luck. I've fallen off from writing completely for years at this point. It's frustrating and downright depressing. There was a working theory that I am not able to write when I am happy and I've been dead set on proving that to not be the case however I haven'd had a decent thought in some time. In fact I haven't written in so long I've neglected periods, hypens, and punctuation in the last sentence. The truth is I have to have a quietly loud mind in order to write. I haven't had silence in so long I have forgotten what it's like to just be with my thoughts. I used to ride to work in silence and I don't do that anymore. I'm usually listening to someth...

Before I delve into the world of burnout I want to first start off with this fact; I LOVE MY JOB!  It's been so long since I've written anything I can't recall whether or not you all know what it is that I do for a living, well, I'm a "Youth Worker" which is a watered-down way of saying that I am a juvenile corrections worker. The thing about this job is that I did and didn't choose this profession. Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor to teens because when I was a teen I didn't like any of my counselors. I felt that they were all out of touch with the teens they were working with, not to mention they didn't look like me (African American). I wasn't able to finish school for mental health so I gave up on that dream. I actually trained to try and become a cop, you know be a part of the solution. That failed miserably because I couldn't lift half my body weight. I didn't even get to try the other portions of the fitness test. Time wo...

  I am a member of an ADHD group for black women. I've been in the group for so long I'm not certain how long I've actually been there. The group has been so reassuring over the years and has constantly reminded me that I am not alone.  I was diagnosed back in the mid-nineties with ADHD and was promptly medicated after the discovery. Being the child that  I was I refused to take my medication and I've been unmedicated ever since. Having run across an article posted in the group called " It took me until I was 25 to get diagnosed with ADHD. I assumed my symptoms were personality quirks ", It was a great read that highlighted some pretty good things. However, I found myself with this thought "It's great she's got her diagnosis but what about those of us diagnosed you who have to get rediagnosed to get help?" I ended up asking myself was I any better when I was actually being treated for it, was the medication actually helping? after all this ti...