It's frustrating that I even feel the need to write about this. It's more than frustrating, it's downright infuriating. It's so strange to look back on my life and see how far I have come. I used to have the worst attitude in the world. If my day was going bad I would take it out on anyone and everyone at any given time. It wasn't until I was at McDonald's one day, and a lady I had been really nasty to said to me "Honey, I haven't done anything to you." I remember exactly how I felt in that moment. The mere memory of it elicits the same emotions and feelings of that moment. The realization as it swept over me, the light that seemed to brighten my world, and the smile that spread across my face. I felt light, and I felt free. I apologized and vowed from that day forward that I would try my best not to take my bad day out on others.
Admittingly, I still struggle with it from time to time, however, in those moments that I do forget I try to at least tell the person you know what, I'm not upset with you I'm just frustrated in general and I don't mean to take it out on you. That has served me well over the years, but if I'm to be honest, I'm just ready to shut down completely.
Something most people don't know about me is that I have a mono-toned voice. I have spent my entire life studying people and their expressions, their tone of voice when they are happy when they are sad and when they are excited. I have done these things because somewhere along the way I realized that my tone, my voice, my face, is just wrong. Yes, you read that right. My face is just wrong. How can your face be wrong? You're not ugly, is what you might be thinking. Well, here's the thing, I don't even like to call it resting bitch face because that's not what it is. It's just my face.
I had to learn that because my relaxed face looks mean or like something is wrong I have to keep a slight smile on it at all times, and to coincide with the slight smile I have to adjust my voice to not be flat. I have to express emotions through my voice at all times. Which is absolutely, positively, exhausting. Especially because I don't always know exactly what I am feeling. Sometimes I zone out and have no thoughts or feelings to speak of and when it reflects on my face, someone asks me what's wrong. I say nothing, yet, no one ever truly believes me.
It wasn't until last year that I figured out what I've been doing my entire life is something called masking. Also, it wasn't until last year when my best friend asked if maybe I could be autistic that a light went off in my head. I've always been neurodivergent (ADHD), so it's not surprising that I have my "quirks". However, Autism, has given me insight into myself that I have searched for since I was in the third grade. To live and know that you don't process things correctly, you don't process things like other people and not having an answer for why that is is beyond frustrating. You have friends but you only have a few, you played with others only when required to, you had no issues playing by yourself or being by yourself. It's all normal until you get to middle school and realize that while everyone is making friends and are a part of large or significant friend groups you just don't fit in. In fact, you fit out.
All my life I have had to put on a mask to do the simplest of things. I never strived for anything more than mediocrity because I was always told the same thing. You need more empathy, you have to learn how to talk to people, the way you say things is wrong, you have to be nicer. When someone tells me to change the way I say things or approach things my brain literally stalls. I mean I said what I needed to say in the best way possible, because you know anxiety makes me fear confrontation. I just can't seem to get it right no matter how hard I try.
So, for now, for my sanity, for my own peace. I'm done masking. I've spent too long trying to understand others without them attempting to understand me.
Mask on? Fuck it, Mask off!
Comments
Post a Comment