"I am changing trying every way I can." This is how I have felt lately. You know I was at bible study last night and Kim asked me about the Easter egg hunt. I was at the popcorn machine all day and some of you may have been there to know that for the first couple of hours between the popcorn machine and the cotton candy machine and the generator we were going through some things. Before I get into what was asked I have to give you my outlook on it from my point of view. When I got there popcorn was popping and everything was going fine. I walked around a bit and my children ran off so I had nothing to do. I can't give blood because of my sickle cell trait and I just didn't want to stand around bored. Honestly I was ready to go about 10 minutes after I got there. So I just found myself something to help with and that was the popcorn machine. I love popcorn and I really wanted some to be honest. LoL and I wanted the fresh out of the kettle popcorn that still had the color and the salt. What better way than to help out and be on the front lines. plus Porche needed help putting the popcorn into bags. Now it was definitely frustrating dealing with that machine and trying to figure out what was going on with it. What amazed me the most was the patience the people and even the children had waiting on this popcorn and cotton candy. Some of them waited patiently for 30 minutes and the machine still didn't come up. Once we got at least the popcorn machine working the line never ended. As I watched the children run off to the egg hunt and the conclusion of the egg hunt and the packing up of the cake walk and the grill and the bounce house our line just seemed to continue on. The popcorn machine was the last thing to be shut down. Two children were missed in getting popcorn that day but they weren't upset about it. It made me a little sad. But The people amazed me. We had people in line we had people who got popcorn who weren't in line for various reasons and did anyone complain about someone getting popcorn before them that didn't wait in line? No. So I was asked if I always had such patience and how did I achieve the patience and peace to serve all of those people without freaking out. I have never been that patient of a person. I am still working on that actually. I had to stop and look back and ask myself what was it that kept me from getting overly frustrated because trust me I was frustrated at times, but I looked back and realized that it was the people. Their Patience gave me patience and I truly enjoyed serving the people. This story actually coincides with something that happened to me this yesterday at work. I was on the phone and the very first person I got was a crier. I don't lack empathy I lack the tone to express empathy. I emotionally detach myself when I get criers because frankly I'm a big softy and it doesn't solve anything if the person you are helping is crying and you are crying as well. The next call I got was another crier. I'm like ugh I can't take all of this crying. A co-worker turns around and says "I don't know if this will help, I got a guy earlier who said that when he calls we are always friendly and helpful and he is grateful everything that we do." Those encouraging words helped a lot and by the end of the call the citizen thanked me but I had to thank the citizen for her patience and understanding. There are reoccurring themes to my week. Patience is one of the main themes but attitude is the biggest one. I can't say it enough. I am not who I used to be. I thank God that I am not who I used to be. If I was who I used to be I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't know the people I know and I'm sure that 85.99% of you would not like me or my attitude. I was a nasty piece of work once upon a time. I am looking forward to the study of the Beatitudes I don't know what God has in store for me with this lesson but I know that this lesson was specifically for me. The funny thing is that I have heard of the beatitudes and that I even have them highlighted in my bible... not my bible app but my physical bible. I know that we are in the age of digital everything but the bible is one thing I prefer to actually look up the scripture. I want to wear my bible out and have so many notes in it that the bible is falling a apart. These beatitudes that I have heard of and have read I have no understanding of at all. Last night however after walking out of bible study I was talking with a friend of mine and he asked me what the lesson was about and I proudly told him "Blessed are the poor in spirit for they shall inherit the earth." Ha ha ha yes I was wrong and he corrected me and said no the meek shall inherit the earth, theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ( Is still have trouble flip flopping those) after being corrected I rattled off Isaiah 61:1-3 and how when it mentions poor it means the poor as in having no money and in the beatitudes poor in correlation with spirit means inferior in spirit compared to Christ. What amazes me is that I am one of the most forgetful people you will ever come across I really would forget my head if it weren't attached to my body. Most mornings I leave my house at least 3 times because I have forgotten something. But I remembered Matthew 5:3... well I could tell you where to find that scripture I'm still working on remembering for theirs is the kingdom of heaven and not confusing the meek who shall inherit the earth. My notes on the lesson were in the living room on the couch and I was in my room in the dark looking at my phone remembering where to find these scriptures without an issue. I'm a growing toddler in Christ I'm off the milk and craving what's at the table. I will enjoy my mush solid mixture until I am ready for solid food and eating on my own. I remembered something. I am retaining something and that alone fills me with joy. I am beginning to understand some of the things that I read I am learning to not only utilize my bible but other versions of the bible as well. Such as the Holcolmb Christian Standard Bible and one of my new favorites that actually puts it into terms that are easy to understand is the New International Readers version. All I want to do lately is read my bible. Which means that I haven't been communicating with some people lately they way that I used to and they have noticed and asked me what has been going on. I just have a lot to study. I am slowly working through Emotionally Healthy Spirituality which I know many have probably finished. I find that that is a hard book to read. Not so much to read and not even a little hard to understand, however, it is a hard pill to swallow. It forces you take a look at your life and deal with your emotions. Things you never even thought about addressing in your life that are holding you back and you didn't even know it. Literally my thoughts are moving so fast in my brain my fingers can hardly keep up with them while typing this. I have actually started journaling again in my physical journal not my online blog. I feel as though that is how I will get back to writing what I love and that is books. I have yet to actually finish one and be satisfied with it. I am working on something new and I am pretty sure that I will not finish Secrets. I'm sorry Will but when I started that book I was in a different place in my life and going back and reading that book makes me embarrassed and uncomfortable. It's not a book that God would see published. I would love to be the next Kimberla Lawson Robby. I don't know how this dream will come true I just know that it will and I don't care if I publish a book and only one person reads it, that is one person more than I could have ever asked for.
I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've