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Bible study was powerful tonight! We talked again about the beatitudes. The discussion came up about forgiveness and unresolved conflict. In trying to have a pure heart. 
A friend and I fell out last year... one of many but the nail in the coffin so to speak. See the bad thing is that this started with a guy. I've played it out over and over again in my mind to see where I was wrong in what I asked. The situation was he said she said. I was not happy with either one of them and they both heard my mouth on the situation. So many factors played into why they didn't care for each other. Sigh- But I was convicted tonight to go and get some closure over this situation because the things said were just hurtful. I've apologized for my part in it multiple times actually and I think that is what bothers me. She's never once apologized for the hurtful things she said to me. Tonight she told me that she didn't think about it that it is what it is she's moved on from it and that she's cut drama out of her life. You know me I was offended that she saw me as drama. I try to stay away from drama myself so how am I drama. I look back over the fights we've had over the years. The ones I remember most either had to do with my relationships with people or how I raised my children. The first fight was regarding my ex-husband and I when he and I were just about to go through our split and we were working things out. I remember at that time I had so much going on in my head I couldn't think straight. I felt bad about myself I felt bad about the situation I wanted to work it out one minute and wanted out the next. Everyone kept telling me to work it out work it out work it out and Gave me reasons as to why I should work it out and I accepted their opinions. She was just one of those people who didn't say okay I understand your choice. She fought harder for my marriage than I did to be honest. My answer came from a calm place about my marriage she couldn't accept that... that would be the first indication that maybe this friendship thing wasn't for us. This last fight like I said was the nail in the coffin. Tonight I went to talk and I went to listen. The person that sat before was not the person I met years ago. I told her this. She told me that she shouldn't be the person she was years ago she's supposed to be older and should have grown from that person. I told her there is a difference between getting older and growing wiser. I said that her spirit has changed (me and my big mouth) its not really what I meant to say, to me when I met her she had more life to her. I don't know how to describe it its possible that maybe I wanted her to stay who she was so I don't have to face the way I've been acting. Sigh- She says that she is at peace and I pray that she really and truly is. Maybe I caused her to be just down right cold towards me. Tonight I did walk away with something and I am going to share these hard truths.
We all love to say how people come in your life for a season or how you need roots in your life and tell people how you had to cut all the people who weren't root like out of your life. Have you ever stopped to think of who you were in the life of someone else?
See I can be mad at her all I want to for cutting me out of her life but the truth of the matter is that I was never a root I wasn't a leaf nor a stick oh but let me tell you... When I get out of my own way when I tone down my arrogance and my pride I was never the root I thought I was. I was that good sturdy branch. You know the one you used to climb on as a kid and you would hear it snapping just a little bit more each time you put pressure on it until one day you got just a little too big and heavy for that branch and it snapped. That was me. As I write this I'm just seeing more and more that often times we see ourselves so much better than we are. We think that we are so humble, so friendly, so self sacrificing, that we misguidedly become proud of a reflection in a funhouse mirror. 
I've learned that not everyone in this world is meant to be your root and that you are not meant to be the root to everyone you meet. Doesn't matter if they were in your life for 1 year or 7 years There is no time frame to a season. It can last a couple of months or it can last years. Through that friendship I've learned who I don't want to be. What I would like to be admired for. How I want to raise my children. I have come to understand that I've been too accepting of the branches sticks and leaves in my life. I have also misrepresented myself to the people in my life in which I am just merely a branch. 
It was a very hard lesson to learn about myself. That I know that I am not completely receptive of. I can only pray about it and ask God to help me accept that I am not as great as I think I am. That I need to be as great as He thinks I am. 

Proverbs 10:17 
The one who follows instruction is on the path to life, but the one who rejects correction goes astray. (HCSB)
(NIV) He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.

Psalms 25:5
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long. (NIV)


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