Skip to main content

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanently. This last week has just been difficult. I've been shut down emotionally and I know it. I've been able to compartmentalize my emotions and cut them off from certain events and that scares me. I have this fear that somehow in some way I will lose everyone around me and my sanity with it. I don't do well with loss. No one does, but for me, it seems to hit me so hard. It seems as though there is always someone there to help me pick up the pieces. I question is that even healthy at this point. Shouldn't I be able to pick myself back up and keep going? I'm not purposely seeking out people to help me through things they just seem to show up. 

This blog entry is not making me feel any better. I just want to stop crying. I want the headache to go away, I want the pain to go away, I want this to be a very bad dream in which I wake up and find out that he is still in this world, but it's not a dream and he is no longer in this world and there is nothing I can do about it. So tell me... Help me... What do I do about this grief?


  1. Just try to remember everything that is good about that person you really loved. And forget those that made you distress. Involve yourself with interesting activities that made you glad. Pls. read Philippians 4:13. Talk to God about your situation and trust His leading. Life is worth living for and worry no more! Let Go! Let God! GOD LOVES YOU!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 


How many of us have prayed for financial deliverance? How many of us have had faith that the Lord would give us that deliverance? As Christians, I am certain that we all have. "God, why do I struggle so much financially? X amount of dollars is not enough to live off of. Lord, I need financial deliverance!" Those are all things I've cried out and prayed before. I'm also the one who takes what little I have and puts it into the offering bucket, praying desperately along with pastor to press it down and shake it up so that it will be returned unto me tenfold. To what avail?  The truth is, I have done absolutely nothing to change my financial situation. Week after week, month after month, year after year I have prayed desperately for increase, and like so many others, yet I have been left wanting.  As I read the scriptures above I suddenly remembered The Parable Of The Talents ( Matthew 25:14-30 ). This passage is about a man who decided that while he was off

Mental Health Pandemic

This is more or less an impulsive post. After many years, for the first time, I decided to watch Good Will Hunting. Of course, I'd seen it referenced in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but I'd never once actually seen the movie. I was quite shocked to see that Robin Williams was in this movie. Although the movie was an award-winning drama and was meant to play at your emotions, the entire time I couldn't help but feel saddened by the absence of Robin Williams in real life.