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Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanently. This last week has just been difficult. I've been shut down emotionally and I know it. I've been able to compartmentalize my emotions and cut them off from certain events and that scares me. I have this fear that somehow in some way I will lose everyone around me and my sanity with it. I don't do well with loss. No one does, but for me, it seems to hit me so hard. It seems as though there is always someone there to help me pick up the pieces. I question is that even healthy at this point. Shouldn't I be able to pick myself back up and keep going? I'm not purposely seeking out people to help me through things they just seem to show up. 

This blog entry is not making me feel any better. I just want to stop crying. I want the headache to go away, I want the pain to go away, I want this to be a very bad dream in which I wake up and find out that he is still in this world, but it's not a dream and he is no longer in this world and there is nothing I can do about it. So tell me... Help me... What do I do about this grief?


  1. Just try to remember everything that is good about that person you really loved. And forget those that made you distress. Involve yourself with interesting activities that made you glad. Pls. read Philippians 4:13. Talk to God about your situation and trust His leading. Life is worth living for and worry no more! Let Go! Let God! GOD LOVES YOU!


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