Skip to main content

Shattered Endurance

I've always been the type of person you could see right through. Although I liked to have thought it wasn't true I've always been told otherwise. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stress in my eyes, and sadness in my smile. This week has been a difficult week for me. I recently found out that a major life change that is supposed to come next year has affected my oldest daughter and sent her into a small bout of depression. Financially I am tapped out and struggling and I can't seem to get above water long enough to breathe. Struggling with mental illness on my part and that of my daughters has always weighed heavy on me, not to mention the issues my son has with ADHD.

I'm having a hard time writing this. A hard time getting my thoughts together so please bear with me. This scripture right here is supposed to be comforting and I can see the comfort in the scripture, but I can't feel it. Everything going on right now has me bogged down and I just feel like I can't get ahead. How do you pray when you're prey? You fight through it. You pray when you can't feel Him near you. "Trust Him even when you can't trace Him." Those words mean so much to me especially now. I have been dealing with a loss in financial stride as well as a store closing event that may affect my children's father but also affects me in the long run. All these worries, all these things, and now is the time I find it hardest to pray. (7/13/2018)

I didn't make it to church today but I felt that there was something I was meant to hear. So, I pulled up my youtube watch later list and clicked on Tore Roberts sermon Holding Out For Best. I hadn't realized that the things I had going on externally had begun to affect me internally. I knew that I was having a hard time writing and I thought it a lack of inspiration. I now know that it was never a lack of inspiration but a lack of confidence. Confidence in my dream confidence in myself and confidence that God would see me through this difficult time. The scripture above at the time I began writing this was as clear as day something that should have set me straight... could have set me straight in the past, but, it would be Hebrews 10:35-36 that would speak to my soul and reveal the real issue within me. 
My lack has been confidence AND endurance. Endurance being the biggest part of it. Confidence will always waiver it'll never be something that is stable, so when you look at the journey the best thing to have is endurance. You don't just walk into endurance you build it. You keep pushing through the difficult times and eventually, you make it to that finish line. You may show up tired, battered, beaten, and exhausted but you have the privilege of saying "I made it" and the reward for everything that you have been through is everything that God has promised to you. I've been fighting for confidence this entire time. When all I really needed was endurance. I'm here to tell you the same. Endure and watch everything that was promised to you come to fruition. 


Popular posts from this blog

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…