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Shattered Endurance

I've always been the type of person you could see right through. Although I liked to have thought it wasn't true I've always been told otherwise. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stress in my eyes, and sadness in my smile. This week has been a difficult week for me. I recently found out that a major life change that is supposed to come next year has affected my oldest daughter and sent her into a small bout of depression. Financially I am tapped out and struggling and I can't seem to get above water long enough to breathe. Struggling with mental illness on my part and that of my daughters has always weighed heavy on me, not to mention the issues my son has with ADHD.

I'm having a hard time writing this. A hard time getting my thoughts together so please bear with me. This scripture right here is supposed to be comforting and I can see the comfort in the scripture, but I can't feel it. Everything going on right now has me bogged down and I just feel like I can't get ahead. How do you pray when you're prey? You fight through it. You pray when you can't feel Him near you. "Trust Him even when you can't trace Him." Those words mean so much to me especially now. I have been dealing with a loss in financial stride as well as a store closing event that may affect my children's father but also affects me in the long run. All these worries, all these things, and now is the time I find it hardest to pray. (7/13/2018)

I didn't make it to church today but I felt that there was something I was meant to hear. So, I pulled up my youtube watch later list and clicked on Tore Roberts sermon Holding Out For Best. I hadn't realized that the things I had going on externally had begun to affect me internally. I knew that I was having a hard time writing and I thought it a lack of inspiration. I now know that it was never a lack of inspiration but a lack of confidence. Confidence in my dream confidence in myself and confidence that God would see me through this difficult time. The scripture above at the time I began writing this was as clear as day something that should have set me straight... could have set me straight in the past, but, it would be Hebrews 10:35-36 that would speak to my soul and reveal the real issue within me. 
My lack has been confidence AND endurance. Endurance being the biggest part of it. Confidence will always waiver it'll never be something that is stable, so when you look at the journey the best thing to have is endurance. You don't just walk into endurance you build it. You keep pushing through the difficult times and eventually, you make it to that finish line. You may show up tired, battered, beaten, and exhausted but you have the privilege of saying "I made it" and the reward for everything that you have been through is everything that God has promised to you. I've been fighting for confidence this entire time. When all I really needed was endurance. I'm here to tell you the same. Endure and watch everything that was promised to you come to fruition. 


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