It started last Thursday. I was just angry for no reason. I thought it was just the onset of mother nature. Surely I could shake the anger and move on.
Then it was like I woke up one morning wanting to cry and I haven't stopped having that feeling ever since. It's really bad right now. The worst its been in years. In fact the last time I remember feeling this hopeless was when I first moved to Lexington at the age of 16. I tried to be happy to fit in and nothing was working. Then I got an upper respiratory infection and a teacher took such pity on me that she basically passed me in health class. Partly because it was already my third time taking a health class, heck as well as my third year of high school and I was only in the 10th grade. This isn't a feeling I would wish on my worst enemy. It's like my heart breaks every morning. The thing about it is, I woke up this morning well rested and in a really good mood and for about 30 minutes I thought that this bout of depression had dissipated as quickly as it had came. I'm trying to find joy right now where there is none. I'm trying constantly not to cry. I don't want to get out of the bed in the morning and I just don't want to move. I want to withdraw into myself and avoid everyone. Actually should anyone call me right now friends, family, bill collectors anyone and everyone is on block on my phone. I'm finding it so hard to pray right now because I don't even know what's wrong. I don't even know what set this chain of events off. I thought that maybe it was the fact that my ex is getting married next year, but truth be told I knew that it was coming. They'd recently had a baby and I knew that eventually they would marry. I'm happy for him, even if it breaks my heart a little. It's not enough to send me on this downward spiral. Depression is a horrible thing. You see I had something to do today that I had to call in late for work but I actually just don't want to go so I called in the entire day. I know that I should not have but I just, don't have the strength to do this today. I'm sitting here writing this and my daughter has no idea how I feel inside. I made a promise to someone that I'd never cut again. If I believed that it could make me feel any better I probably would. This this feels so much different from other times. I find absolutely no joy in anything not even writing this. I began writing as an outlet to pain. The only difference was that when I initially began writing I was somewhat suicidal. I wanted to die and I found a way to safely kill myself everyday through poetry without ever having to put my family through losing me in real life.
Friends and family can't see depression, they can't just look at you and say, "you need help." the only thing they can see is what you want them to see.
I guess that I have reached out to the wrong person in the last week. I've called one person twice in the last week and found that my call was not only unanswered but not returned. I called for prayer.
I had a friend once who said that she had joined church and was trying to get her life right and when she needed guidance she couldn't seem to get it. She gave up. I couldn't see myself doing that. I understand where she's coming from though.
Sigh- I think that I am going to just go lay down for the next 30 minutes and cry. No time to fall apart now, it's just me. I can't afford a nervous breakdown.
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