It's been awhile since I've blogged. In a way I guess I forgot why it was that I started doing this. It started as a way to get things off of my chest and out in the open and then it quickly became how many views can I get how many likes.
The strange thing is, at the beginning of the summer I felt more like I was becoming the true me than I had ever felt. And for the most part that was completely true. I struggled with being single and went back and forth on if I wanted to be single or not. I fell for someone that would never return those feelings back to me. I do have some resentment there not because the feelings weren't returned, but because the friendship kind of died not long after my admission. It showed me that everyone that wants the privilege of being called friend and seeing you cry is not worthy of such. I also spent some time hanging on to a past relationship. Letting love go is hard for me has always been that way. This one was very hard, even harder because no matter how well we fit together we didn't really fit together. The damage was already done and could not be repaired.
I am currently reading The emotionally Healthy Woman by Gerri Scazzero the wife of Peter Scazzero. We are doing it as a group in women's bible study. I must say that it has truly been a blessing to me just to be there with the ladies going over it. Purchasing it for myself however is teaching me so much about myself. I have not always been a person with the best attitude in the world and I tell the story of what made me change over and over again until I'm blue in the face. There is also another truth to why I am such a "nice" person. I absolutely positively hate to think that there are people out there that don't like me. Certainly there are people that don't like me for whatever reason, if there are I have no idea why. I always wanted to be popular growing up. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I didn't have a lot of friends. Even now when I fill job applications out I have the hardest time with references. I literally only have about actually two people that I have been friends with for years and keep in contact with. Others will get my phone number and I will get theirs but generally, we are acquaintances of circumstance. I never hardly ever delete a number from my phone, and I often find myself asking who in the world is this person. From as far back as I can remember which would be second grade I only ever remember having 3 friends at the most at any given point in time. The desire to be more sociable was there, but I didn't posses that trait. I wasn't born with it. I was quiet a loner and even now I have to say I have 3 friends. I generally don't have any more than that whom I would divulge my secrets to.
Hmmm I don't know what just happened but I cannot finish my original thought.
There is no need to continue with some big long drawn out story of my life and what I have been through. I quit.
I quit telling myself that I'm not afraid of the change that is coming in my life.
I quit trying to figure out if what I am doing with my life will interfere with the things that I would like to do with friends in the time that I want to do them.
I quit trying to keep up with others just to feel like I'm not left out of something.
I quit making excuses as to why I don't want to see someone.
I quit doing things for everyone else but myself.
I quit being afraid of things, so much so that it creates an anxiety of stupid things.
I quit acting like things between me and my sons father isn't hard and that some of his solutions bother me when I'm forced to say no. Yes I want peace but I quit striving for peace that tears me up inside because I don't want any type of conflict.
I quit chasing reality because someone once told me that my dreams were childish.
Last but not least I quit pretending that there isn't someone on my mind, that this someone hasn't been on my mind for the last 4.5-5 years and that I haven't buried every feeling for him because of other circumstances.
Quitting is often seen as a bad thing. It's hard to do and easier said than done. However, sometimes, quitting can be the best and most freeing experience in your life.
The strange thing is, at the beginning of the summer I felt more like I was becoming the true me than I had ever felt. And for the most part that was completely true. I struggled with being single and went back and forth on if I wanted to be single or not. I fell for someone that would never return those feelings back to me. I do have some resentment there not because the feelings weren't returned, but because the friendship kind of died not long after my admission. It showed me that everyone that wants the privilege of being called friend and seeing you cry is not worthy of such. I also spent some time hanging on to a past relationship. Letting love go is hard for me has always been that way. This one was very hard, even harder because no matter how well we fit together we didn't really fit together. The damage was already done and could not be repaired.
I am currently reading The emotionally Healthy Woman by Gerri Scazzero the wife of Peter Scazzero. We are doing it as a group in women's bible study. I must say that it has truly been a blessing to me just to be there with the ladies going over it. Purchasing it for myself however is teaching me so much about myself. I have not always been a person with the best attitude in the world and I tell the story of what made me change over and over again until I'm blue in the face. There is also another truth to why I am such a "nice" person. I absolutely positively hate to think that there are people out there that don't like me. Certainly there are people that don't like me for whatever reason, if there are I have no idea why. I always wanted to be popular growing up. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I didn't have a lot of friends. Even now when I fill job applications out I have the hardest time with references. I literally only have about actually two people that I have been friends with for years and keep in contact with. Others will get my phone number and I will get theirs but generally, we are acquaintances of circumstance. I never hardly ever delete a number from my phone, and I often find myself asking who in the world is this person. From as far back as I can remember which would be second grade I only ever remember having 3 friends at the most at any given point in time. The desire to be more sociable was there, but I didn't posses that trait. I wasn't born with it. I was quiet a loner and even now I have to say I have 3 friends. I generally don't have any more than that whom I would divulge my secrets to.
Hmmm I don't know what just happened but I cannot finish my original thought.
There is no need to continue with some big long drawn out story of my life and what I have been through. I quit.
I quit telling myself that I'm not afraid of the change that is coming in my life.
I quit trying to figure out if what I am doing with my life will interfere with the things that I would like to do with friends in the time that I want to do them.
I quit trying to keep up with others just to feel like I'm not left out of something.
I quit making excuses as to why I don't want to see someone.
I quit doing things for everyone else but myself.
I quit being afraid of things, so much so that it creates an anxiety of stupid things.
I quit acting like things between me and my sons father isn't hard and that some of his solutions bother me when I'm forced to say no. Yes I want peace but I quit striving for peace that tears me up inside because I don't want any type of conflict.
I quit chasing reality because someone once told me that my dreams were childish.
Last but not least I quit pretending that there isn't someone on my mind, that this someone hasn't been on my mind for the last 4.5-5 years and that I haven't buried every feeling for him because of other circumstances.
Quitting is often seen as a bad thing. It's hard to do and easier said than done. However, sometimes, quitting can be the best and most freeing experience in your life.
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