In my previous post I talked about how my week had been. How depressed I was and how I was unable to pretty much do anything or be anything other than depressed.
Let me take you through my day on Friday. I woke up Friday morning and again the world was just nothing but gloom and doom for me. It took everything I had in me to get the kids out the door and off to school without bursting into tears. On my way to work I just couldn't stop crying. Still there was no known reason to my tears, but the heart inside my chest was just broken. Even with the good news I'd gotten the day before I could do nothing but cry. I walked into work I don't even know if anyone even noticed the tears in my eyes. I just tried keeping my head down and not talking to anyone. Time seemed to drag on as I waited to escape to my car for my first break. I almost cried on my first two calls. There was no life in my voice at all. I found myself bowing my head and praying "Jesus I need you, just help me through this day." I prayed that, over and over and eventually my day turned completely around. I actually found myself laughing before the day was out. And not just a fake laugh. I was feeling better. I still didn't want to be around people though. Now those of you who know about Total Grace know that that night there was a concert given by Jay and The Team. I was on the fence about going. I just didn't feel like praising God. In fact I wasn't going to go. There has been one person who has been here for me the last few days and he knows who he is and I thank him for that. I got the girls sent off to their grandparents and had every intention of staying home and doing nothing. I sent a text message asking someone if they wanted to cuddle. Yes, I actually meant cuddle. The response I got? Let's just say I was told I need to be in church. I figured it would be over by the time I got there but I got up and I went anyway. I slipped in during the middle of a song... at least I think it was one song I think it really just ran all together. I tried getting into the music and found myself just sitting and clapping along. God said that that was not good enough. God found me and touched me. I shouted, screamed, danced, and cried. I yelled to God, I yelled at the devil, I declared that I would not go back to who I was before. When all was over I slipped out the back door and hightailed it out of there without speaking to anyone.
I also found out that the corrections position I had applied for I was no longer candidate for.
I'm awake I feel refreshed from yesterday. I'm excited about the conference I've never been to one I'm ready for something to happen eager even. I know I just know that there is a word here for me... Honey I was wrong. There was not a word in there for me... Every word was a word directly to me.
She spoke of not only losses that she had gone through one which included her marriage but also how she had once attempted to take her life and ended up at The Ridge. Now I'm listening to this story and thinking to myself as she's telling us that she got to a point where she was like okay God, I've been following you and doing this and that and basically she was doing everything she was supposed to do. Yet she went through all of the losses and pain and suffering that she went through.
I was sitting there listening to her story and thinking to myself, in life she has had more than me and in some way, our testimonies are not that much different. We have each had to deal with depression in our life, she attempted to take hers and she's still standing and still able to preach to us. What makes my depression any different from hers? I've not been through as much. It doesn't diminish the feel of it but it changes the perspective. Jesus is able to save us where we are. Even when we ourselves don't see it.
It was then that I recognized that God needed my attention. It was there I found my "why".
"We often write our Blessings in the sand, and our complaints in stone."
Nayasha explained leprosy and what it was, Pastor Stacy broke down how the condition actually affects you. She explained that leprosy caused the suffer the inability to receive signals from the body to the brain that it was in distress. The pain from the leprosy itself was so much so that the body could not hear, see, smell, or even feel it's own warning signs. It was then that I realized that the statement "Sin ruins our spiritual nervous system." Was meant for me. I may have been fine on the outside, but God, needed me to recognize the sickness that was going on on the inside of me. I was shocked by some of my own thoughts that had been popping up into my mind over the past few weeks. Trust me holding my tongue was difficult and we won't even get on the language floating in my head. This was again coming from Luke 17:11-19 as Nayasha had preached from as well. One of Pastor Stacy's points was this "Ungratefulness is a sin. You can't be thankful and bitter at the same time." I had to stop and ask myself if I had been ungrateful. The simple answer was yes. One of my favorite things that Pastor Stacy had said was this, "There are more people who pray- than praise." I realized that I couldn't pray through my depression because I couldn't praise through it. I wanted to feel better but I just wanted to pray it away, not praise it away. That was what the devil wanted. I've been down before and I've praised my way through it because I knew that there was something bigger and better out there for me. This time I just couldn't do it. I was tired of praising through it to be honest. I'd done enough I just deserved to be happy right? That's not how it works.
Big Girls Don't Cry
By the time I got to this message I had cried my tears for the depression I'd had earlier this week and was eager to hear what else was in store for me.
Slap number one- Why are you crying as if I am not here?
Slap number Two- Why are you crying as if you have no help?
Shaken one- And I say this slow in my head as I read it... All the things you have gone through, He is more than that.
I had to let that one sink into my thick skull. I'm crying.... for what? Is He not here? Is He not my help?
Now she called us all to the stage to just leave everything at the alter and to praise God. Now there was a lady standing next to me. Mmmm.Okay. You have to first understand something about me.
For as long as I can remember I have been able to get feelings about people or "see" people. I see the good and the bad in people sometimes I see more of one than the other. I'm not seeking it out to see people I still don't even know how it works. This woman beside me. I don't recall her name. I'm so bad with names. We had to link hands and in touching her hand I could just feel the holy spirit on her, so much so that I just had to hug her before I went back to my seat. We embraced and she began to speak over me and pray over me. I can't go into details about what she spoke over me and what she prayed over me. When I say that I just met her and that there is no possible way for her to know the things about me that she knew I tell you that I could only cry. I needed God to speak to me and tell me what was next for my life, and in that moment he revealed himself to me through her. He's done it before through someone else and I was just as stunned then as I was today. Surely there was nothing else for me to gain from this conference right?
Big Girls Don't Cry, We Cry Out!
My God, this woman here. Luke 7:36-48
One of my favorite songs, one song that speaks to me heart is Alabaster box. When I bought Niki's book I told her I felt like I was on the brink of greatness and that it was just out of my reach. I've been saying it for the past year that something great is coming but I can't seem to reach it. Her message summed up everything I went through this past week. I'm just going to share some of the things I wrote down.
Worship is not worship without faith.
Your prayer request will never go past the perception of yourself.
When God releases your next blessing it has to match who you think you are. God will not release anything into the atmosphere that you have not prepared for.
This has been one amazing day that has taught me some things about myself. You missed a truly great conference if you were not there. I don't know who else will turned back and be the one frankly it doesn't matter because I AM THE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't forget to follow up with Lady Robinson tomorrow morning. God bless those that read this.