Skip to main content

My Vices Are Many

Here it is almost a month later to the day since I have last posted. The last month has been kind of hectic for me. I've had a few panic attacks over worrying about moving. Then actually moving and still in the process of moving actually. I've basically spent so much time in thought. The thing about it is, I've been blocking my blessing. All this time that I have spent thinking and thinking and thinking about what it is that I would like to do I have yet to actually just put it into motion. I can make the excuse that I don't know how to get started or what to do, but honestly its just as simple as opening my mouth and speaking. It's not because I'm afraid of the subject matter. I fear that I will say the wrong thing. I doubt myself because of the flaws that I deal with on a day to day basis currently. I feel like how can I witness to people when I myself still actively struggle with the things I feel a need to speak on. 
When my cousin Melissa died it hurt but I was comforted in the knowledge that she new the Lord. When my granny passed I was comforted in the knowledge that she knew the Lord. When my Aunt Kay passed I was tormented because I knew that she knew of the Lord growing up with a very christian centered family but never once did I ask her if she knew The Lord Jesus Christ as her personal saviour. She smoked she drank she cursed like a sailor and if it wasn't for her I'd probably would have lacked some street sense. Ever since that day there has been something in me that has wanted to be the one to witness to people and to do my part in bringing people to Christ. So many of my friends new and old are headed down the wrong path and I just watch them and that's not acceptable. Part of me of course wants to get my life together first and then do it but that's not what I am called to do. I don't agree with being a hypocrite though. My Vices are many and I struggle with them every single day. I'm no better than anyone else. I still struggle with alcohol... which honestly is only made hard depending on the company I keep. In saying that we should all be mindful of who it is that we spend extended periods of time with. I learned a long time ago if we place ourselves in a situation to be tempted we are more than likely going to fail. We shouldn't put ourselves in situations that would tempt us. I want to save so many people the heartache and the pain of a lot of the things that I have gone through over the years, but I find that when I open my mouth nothing comes out. It's a confidence issue on my part I know I second guess myself a lot. I know that I have a lot to say I know that I don't look like what I've been through I know that My testimony can save someone the heartache of having a testimony with more pain than mine. Testimonies are great and I love to hear them, I love to see the adversity people have come out of to follow Christ. I just want my brothers and sisters not to have to go through such pain to find Jesus. I know that my story is unique and I know that the details of my story is not as profound as someone else's might be I just know that it is mean to help someone.
I'm a little tired. I've had a long day and I'm still thinking hard about things and I really need to learn to relax my jaw. I've noticed lately that I've been clinching my teeth together. Goodnight folks...
Oh and my birthday is on Monday JUNE 8TH!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…