Skip to main content

I resent mothers day

You read the title correctly, it was not a mistake. I have a number of things going on in my life. My daily life that just has me exhausted. My thoughts run a mile a minute... Here is a sample of them written probably exactly how they apart in my head...
Okay I'm awake man on have to pee thank you God for waking me up this morning I should really get up and go pee what time is it I have to be up in 30 go to the bathroom wake up kids give Jo his medicine book bags purse keys or the door pick up mommy work should I stop for breakfast I wonder if there are any houses or this way for rent I need to drive through this neighborhood one day and see Tasha must be at work already I really need to get this money order figured out and check my bank account to see how much is in there in driving so I can't do that I'll wait for a stop light crap it's not red long enough I'm sorry Jesus forgive me (says prayer) OK click in I hope they Low I still have to find a place to move to the landlord doesn't seem to do anything about the mold I need boxes answering these calls us interrupting my thought process at least I can go on autopilot reading the terms Josiah is leaving for the summer jade and Jasmine are still here on should make their dad get them for the summer I could to use the break Josiah needs to get a refill of his medicine before the end of the school year make sure tell his dad to do this or that pay his child support although I wouldn't tell him that it would be nice can't complain too much he somewhat gets his son he's not completely idiotic wish I could look at rental websites at work serially Lexington charges to much for half the places out creek like are you kidding me I just had to have my boy this wild be easier finding two bedroom in my price rang I need a husband a second income would be great I could always settle I have offers after my last marriage I refuse to settle in anything I'm not that desperate that I will marry just because I  need a second income plus at least if I was going to get married I would need to have sometime with a halfway decent job I should make it a requirement that the person make twice as much as I do that would be so wrong of I'm not that mean sigh I'm waiting God I really just wish he would notice me already so we can live happily ever after OK OK patience I know I'm working on it let's see when I do move I need living room set and needs for both jade and Jasmine I hate that my mattress isn't molded I just got it I'll have to hold of on getting me a bedroom set add long as my mattress isn't molded all this moisture around I thank God I have plastic on both the box spring and the mattress hopefully that will be okay. I'm really tempted to give away my movies I need to reduce space I'm borderline hoarder as that's probably why God hasn't told him yet I'm just not ready for him sigh I really should just run away but I don't know what I would do without my babies I should cook tonight I'm so tired though but I don't have to do anything else tonight great now I have to run here or run there I just want to go home these kids won't shut up they think we are going out to eat I'm tired of fast food if this little boy doesn't stop asking me for a peanut butter sandwich I'm going to scream I have to make sure he gets his homework done the girls are good but this kid won't do it on his own I can't have him fail just because I'm tired okay homework will be done tomorrow it's too late tonight baths I need a moment to myself answer phone calls pretend to care I mean I do in just to tired to actually listen I think I'll just screen these calls I need to find a freaking place to move to already I don't really want to move in June but I plan to be out by July I would like to move July first and keep this current place paid up so that I can clean up when I move it kind of overlap it a little I paid my electric and water I have my phone left on should probably drop my gym membership back to standard no one goes with me to the gym anyway plus I have to consolidate bills for this new place whenever I find it I need another computer with Jade globe to middle school wonder if someone has a good desktop I'm going to lay down no shower first then lay down OK what time is it I need to study and pray and get to bed at a decent time I wonder how many hours I can work at cracker barrel without it affecting my stamps I wish this section 8 would do something then I wouldn't have to worry about finding some place and being locked in for a year I wonder if there is a way to break a lease if you get section 8 I need another job I don't really want section 8 but I need it how am I going to find a 3  bedroom anything with what I make sure I could do it but the utilities would kill me after a certain cost where are those just once in a lifetime moments in which I look up and poof free house my clothes are other to big or too small most of my pants have holes in them Josiah won't need summer clothes Jade had shorts jasmine is good I have to start looking for Jade uniform stuff for middle school can't count on support from one but there's other one is pretty consistent jade wants a bike jasmine needs her scooter I promised her I feel so bad I haven't gotten yet I don't know how I'm going to move and take them on a real vacation jade and Jasmine can go Josiah will be gone for the summer and he's already been on one so it shouldn't matter that much....
I'm tired just writing it.  But these are my thoughts most of this constantly repeats every single day. So I resent the one day that is set aside to honor us mothers. We don't get sick days we can't call in I can't spend 3+ hours in an emergency room after collapsing at work to figure out what's wrong with me because of the time constraints on my day. When the weakness hits me again 5 days later I can't have someone take me home from church because I need to get my children home and make sure I go to work the next day. So excuse my look on it. No one told me to be a single mother it was more by acceptance than choice. My babies are my driving force I am only able to keep going because of them, even after the many times I have wanted to quit I've made it. Mothers day is a joke and all fathers who follow in this role singly as well fathers day is a joke. Don't celebrate me on a day in which most mothers would just like a home cooked meal by someone else other than them to not have to actively discipline the children or clean anything we don't want to have to drive to church we want to be driven and we want an uninterrupted nap that last more than an hour. And three full hours of just silence, nothing, zip, zero, zilch nose and as we last down for the night we want the children to come in present their handmade gifts that fill us with joy give us a hug and a kiss and go to bed...  Peacefully.

I need a vacation.  😯


Popular posts from this blog

Mental Health Pandemic

This is more or less an impulsive post. After many years, for the first time, I decided to watch Good Will Hunting. Of course, I'd seen it referenced in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but I'd never once actually seen the movie. I was quite shocked to see that Robin Williams was in this movie. Although the movie was an award-winning drama and was meant to play at your emotions, the entire time I couldn't help but feel saddened by the absence of Robin Williams in real life. 

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 


How many of us have prayed for financial deliverance? How many of us have had faith that the Lord would give us that deliverance? As Christians, I am certain that we all have. "God, why do I struggle so much financially? X amount of dollars is not enough to live off of. Lord, I need financial deliverance!" Those are all things I've cried out and prayed before. I'm also the one who takes what little I have and puts it into the offering bucket, praying desperately along with pastor to press it down and shake it up so that it will be returned unto me tenfold. To what avail?  The truth is, I have done absolutely nothing to change my financial situation. Week after week, month after month, year after year I have prayed desperately for increase, and like so many others, yet I have been left wanting.  As I read the scriptures above I suddenly remembered The Parable Of The Talents ( Matthew 25:14-30 ). This passage is about a man who decided that while he was off