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Abuse Is Not Just Physical

You hear about it all the time. Abuse is wrong especially physical abuse. It can cause things like Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses. I was one of those women who swore up and down, I would not end up in any form of an abusive relationship. I was 100% certain that if a man ever hurt me physically I would send him packing. Maybe even fight him back. When I was 23 years old I slowly found myself in a physically abusive relationship in which I know I was smart enough not to get into. This blog entry, however, is not about the physical abuse I suffered but my recent emotional abuse.

I'd flirted with a guy for well over a year through Facebook. We exchanged numbers and had plenty of conversations and decided to meet each other, we had mutual friends in real like so we'd both done our homework on each other as to our safety. Everything was great... at first. We connected mentally and physically we were attracted to each other. (So I thought) However, he would later tell me that sexually he was impotent. That is a post for another day. 

Now, in all honesty, I should not have ignored the warning sign that went off in my mind. There is one moment that I remember clearly that set off that big red buzzer in my head saying abort, abort. One day we were sitting at his cousins' house talking about relationships and his statement was. "it's not about the physical it's about the mental. Once you have her mind the rest will follow." I remember being extremely uncomfortable in that moment as he pointed to my temple. Thinking back Rihanna's Russian Roulette comes to mind. It started with little outburst of rage in which we would have conversations afterward at a lower tone where I would end up apologizing for whatever offended him just to keep the peace. I'd long had a history of not liking the yelling and screaming and would later come to realize that it was something that triggered my PTSD. 

One night, in particular, stands out in my mind as a moment I should have left him. Suffering from depression and being off my medication at the same time cause me to go into a downward spiral quick, fast, and in a hurry. One night it was really bad. I couldn't sit still, I paced outside of the bathroom door fighting with myself as to whether or not I should go to him with how I felt. Eventually, I decided that it was too soon in the relationship for him to see me at a point in which I personally had never been. I called my best friend and he said he was going to come and pick me up. We were going to go to the park so that I could leet whatever it was out that was bothering me. Needless to say, my "Boyfriends" reaction was not a helpful one. It was 1am in the morning and I informed him that I was going to talk to a friend. He accused me of cheating and began yelling and screaming at me. Unable to explain exactly what it was that was going on with me I tried handing him the phone as my best friend had asked to speak to him and he refused. I then hung up the phone and the arguing ensued. In that night I snatched a cord out of the wall with the intention of hanging myself, I remember screaming at one time that he should just kill me. I wanted to leave the house and he wouldn't let me. He blocked the front door which only made things worse. I ran downstairs and out the back door. He chased me, I kept running, I slipped and fell got up and kept running. I hid in the parking lot of a church just so he wouldn't find me when he came looking for me. That night should have been the end. The very coping mechanism I needed to use to keep myself safe I was denied. 
There would be many more instances of his blatant rage, although, there were no more incidents like that. 

I'd been going through psychosis on and off, tactile hallucinations, and visual hallucinations I had a hard time convincing myself wasn't real. In my post Introduction to DID Me Part 1, I talked about my six personalities. He'd found a notebook which had the names of all my personalities on them. 
"Why isn't my name on here?" he asked. 
"Because you are not one of my personalities." I replied.
" I am your personality. I am a figment of your imagination." He said then walked out the door. I spent the rest of the night trying to convince myself that he was in fact real that not only could I see him but my mother and my children could see him as well. It was very traumatizing at that time.
Anyone who would exploit your mental state is very much emotionally and mentally abusive. 

I tried to leave him at least 8 times and always took him back. This time. however, he's gone and he will never come back. my mind is clear and the hold he once had over me has been broken. It will take some time for me to heal as the dreams of him not leaving are still plaguing me at night but eventually, they will subside and I will be able to heal. I am smarter than my past and more knowledgable about my future.

Seek help if you have found yourself in this type of situation. 
1−800−799−7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline.


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