I’ve become pretty open about having Dissociative Identity Disorder in the last few months. For those of you who are unsure about exactly what that is, as quoted by Psychology Today “Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. Some people describe this as an experience of possession. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.”
When I tell people that I have multiple personalities they think that it is something cool or something that everyone around us possesses. Truth is that this is something that is very rare. While it is true that we all typically have different personas in which we use on a day to day basis DID is not that simple. I wish it were that simple.
I have frequently searched the internet just trying to find one person anyone who’s written a book on DID that even remotely identified as black and my search continues. Maybe I am not doing the right searches or maybe this is just something that we as a community just doesn’t talk about.
My life has been a series of ups and downs like anyone else’s. I’ve had my fair share of problems. When exactly did I start to dissociate? Unfortunately not even I have the answer to that question. Could it have been back in my first 9th grade year when I decided that I no longer wanted to be the shy girl that everyone picked on? Or, maybe it was in Jr. High when I started signing my journal as different people; Anaszhasia, Tadaszhasia, Peaches, those are a few of the names that I can remember calling myself then. My handwriting changed frequently, yet I recall that being something I did on purpose; anything to continually redefine myself. There would be many times in my life where I would have entire conversations and not remember them. I would chalk them up to a failing memory. The many unexplained headaches I figured were due to fatigue and stress. It wasn’t until my separation from my ex husband in 2010 that the dam would break and everything would come flooding out to be explainable. My best friend and I would often have movie nights and talk about different things. He noticed that many times I’d forget the conversations that we had completely. I also wouldn’t remember calling him, he’d later tell me that I had another personality and that her name was Onyx. Onyx is different from Nicki. She is level headed and more analytical than she is emotional. A protector, with a lower voice than my own, and a habit of talking through her teeth.
Onyx- By the time I let my presence be known back in 2010, we’d gone through quite a few things that left both of us scarred. Although I am the voice of reason I have little to do with actually protecting us physically. Personally, I don’t surface often. I find life to be mundane and my reason for being here is only to look at things analytically. I don’t feel, I don’t reason, I am who I am; the mediator between all of us. I am the person that shuts down all emotions to do what it is that needs to be done. Chances are if you have at any time looked at me and said that I was cold hearted and or a bitch it was probably me you were talking to. I’ve been the perpetrator to many break ups. Toxic relationships that in the end would do nothing but scar us even more than we already are.
Chamele- The problem with having all these people in our head and body is that when we don’t get along it’s a bitch. Onyx and I really are not one to talk to each other or communicate with each other. In fact I only recently selected my name. You see I am the Chameleon on the group of us. I am able to mimic and pretend to be either one of the personalities I choose. The only personality I cannot mimic is Alice. I shouldn’t say cannot mimic I should say that I won’t mimic her. She’s 5 years old and honestly I don’t really want to have to try to navigate as a mute 5 year old. Plus I don’t actually like children. I’m the tomboy of the bunch the brawn. I like drinking and smoking and fuckin shit up. I am also the cusser of the group. Don’t really give a shit what people think about me you can all just go fuck yourselves.
Nicole- I guess that this is where I come in now. I am Nicole. I am a core personality. I am the me that existed 14-15 years ago. This is the part of me that vowed never to grow up and unfortunately I have grown up. I am still the teenager I was back then. I look at everyone around me and I see so many different people who have social lives and more than two friends at a time and I envy that. I have exes that are still friends but I want people that I could go out and do things with. Yes I have Tasha as my friend and I am grateful for her. She has given me many great experiences in life that I would not have had otherwise. I don’t hold anything against her I guess that in my mind I will always be the black sheep of the family and of this world. I don’t really fit in anywhere. I’ve struggled to stay hidden for years but now I’m here pretty much all the time and I can’t really take it. It’s sending me on a downward spiral that I can’t seem to get up from.
Nicki- I am also a core personality. I am the personality that was created back in August 2000. It was decided that Nicole and who she was back then needed to stay in Ohio where she was born. I am the person that is a little more outgoing than the rest of the bunch… well except for CC she’s not going to make an appearance she’s not much of a talker. In fact I’m actually surprised that Chamele said as much as she did. She generally doesn’t talk to us. I’m best described as the loveable homie the jokester. The one that hides all of the insecurities beneath the surface. My job is to care for the children and be the fun and loving person. Myself and Nicole are actually not that different the only real difference is that Nicole is the saddest of us. If She is my matching set so to speak. Our tones and mannerisms are the same as well as everything else about us. We are basically twins. I am the happy twin and She is the sad twin. Chamele and CC are also twins in the system. Chamele the tomboy and Lesbian, and Charlene AKA CC AKA Char the sexual side of us also the most confident and show offy person I’ve ever seen. Alice is someone new. She made her appearance earlier this year and so far the only thing that we have figured out is that she is mute likes to finger paint and she is very easily frightened. Generally we’ve been able to keep her occupied in the corner of our mind painting however lately she’s been surfacing a lot.
Well this is getting kind of long and I don’t want to put too much information into this one post. Lest it be lost after so many paragraphs. The next entry "DID me Part Two" will be a more in depth look at what happens when we switch. Until then Au Revior!