Skip to main content

New Year Better Me

Every New Year everyone vows to make some sort of change in their lives. Whether it is getting in shape, getting financially stable, being a better person, the list can go on and on. 
I was sitting here thinking about what it is that I want to see happen for myself in 2018. I always want to lose weight, so that is not something I want to put on my list of things to do this year coming up. Getting financially stable is something that everyone should strive for every single day of their life. Not just something one says they will do the first of the year.

The last year and a half of my life has been a difficult one. My mental health issues have plagued me tirelessly. I have lost and quit quite a few jobs in that time frame. I have also spent more time than I would have liked in therapy trying to get over the many issues I have endured throughout this year. I guess before I go on to list all of the things that I want for 2018, I should list all of the things that I have learned in 2017.

  • I have learned what my baseline is for happiness.
  • I have learned to wait out depressing thoughts as they will not last very long.
  • I have learned to listen to my intuition and those of my closest friends.
  • I have learned that there is hope for a normal life (Whatever your normal may be)
  • I have learned I am stronger than I give myself credit for. 
  • I have learned that I am very intelligent and possess many skills to not only cope with my illnesses but to pass the knowledge on to others as well. 
  • I have learned PATIENCE! This by far has been my hardest lesson to learn.
  • I've learned to listen to God in the quiet and talk to him through the storm.
  • I have learned that being perfect is not achievable and any attempt to achieve perfection will only cause emotional damage.
  • I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.
For 2018 I will...
  • Learn to live through my grief of losing Justin.
  • Learn not to feel guilty about feeling for someone so soon after his passing.
  • Take care of my mental health and the mental health of my children at all cost. 
  • Not worry so much about the financial as God saw me through many a trials and has continued to provide for me and my children.
  • Continue to be patient in the Lord for what he has is better than what I can force.
  • Continue to work on my credit.
  • Not use my issues as excuses to be a jerk.
  • Will continue to write and let the emotions of my heart flow freely.
My goals are not as extensive as the things I have learned in 2017, however, I have faith that this coming year will yield even more lessons. 


Popular posts from this blog

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…