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Just(in) Grief

I was trying to figure out what the title of this entry was going to be. I'm not even sure what the content is going to be. I went to bed last night with him heavy on my mind and awoke this morning to thoughts of him.

You see Justin was my friend for almost 13 years. He was my love interest for that long. We met through myspace. Honestly, I thought he was older than what he was so his talking to me felt a little creepy at first and then I realized that we were both the same age. Our first fall out was my very first facebook drama. It said he was in a relationship and we got into it over it. Needless to say, we didn't date after that. We still talked and were still very much attracted to each other. Over the years we would become the best of friends. Talking on the phone spending time together. My favorite memory is watching family guy on the phone together until he fell asleep. I'd lay there and listen to him snore on the phone until I fell asleep as well. If cell phones were still on minutes back then out phone bills would have been ridiculous. I'd listen to him snore on the phone because I was afraid he would stop breathing in his sleep as he often did and I wanted to make sure that he was okay. Looking back I'm not entirely sure what it was I thought I could do about it if he did stop breathing but I just know that even then I was afraid to lose him.

We didn't always talk constantly and every once in awhile we'd lose touch for a few months. The first time I wanted to smack him in the face was when he emerged and said he'd had 3 strokes back to back. Not knowing how close I'd come to losing him was both frightening and upsetting.
When I met him I had this picture in my head that we would get married and have a son.
I ended up marrying someone else and having his son. I remember as I was naming my son my first instinct was to name him Justin and still follow the theme of J names as were my girls. I quickly shot that down because it was only he who deserved to have a child by me named Justin. 

Our calamities over the years would be numerous, but no matter what we went through or how many times we got mad at each other we were always connected to each other on an unmatched level. The timing never seemed right. When he tried to move us from friendship to something more I wasn't ready and when I tried to move us from friendship to something more he wasn't ready. 
There are so many memories. One of his stays in the hospital, not long after the 3 strokes, he wanted company. I spent the night in the hospital with him. Lying in the hospital bed right by his side. I'd gotten off from work gotten right on a bus and went to him and left the next morning to go home get dressed and go back to work. 
How did I not know how much he meant to me? My best friend always said that he and I were soulmates and I didn't see it. I wouldn't see it until it was too late.

July 6th, 2017 my sisters 28th birthday. I'd gotten off from work and was sitting in the car with a friend talking my facebook messenger goes off and it's my best friend. She'd sent me a screenshot of the RIP post about Justin. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't cry at first, and then the great flood happened. I'd literally spoken to him two days before and had recently been talking to him often over the last few months. My world stopped turning, my heart no longer beat, love no longer existed in this world and all I could think about was if I had just spoken up and said something he and I would have been together in his final days. What makes it even harder to grieve for the love of your life, is that the love of your life was engaged to someone else. So all these bad thoughts cross your mind, I'm disrespectful because of how I feel. I want to reach out to her because she was the last person he loved and I just don't think that she would appreciate it. So I grieve in silence, in my room, with a bottle or two or three.

I'm trying not to run from my grief, I just don't know when this grief will get better and that is what hurts the most. I want a love like what I'd already found and didn't take but I'm too afraid to even try.

I love you so much Justin and I miss you like you could never have imagined.


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