Skip to main content

When the clouds form

It happens sometimes without warning. You feel it in the pit of your stomach.  That sinking feeling that won't allow you to eat.  You question, is it the circumstances? Have I taken my medication correctly? Where exactly did this feeling come from? Sometimes there is a direct cause, sometimes outs just the tone of the day. You didn't mean to, you didn't want to, and you certainly didn't intend to wake up depressed.
My difficulty isn't just depression, it's the anxiety of knowing that at any moment my very person's could be the cause of my depression. When two out of three personalities are down it cripples the function of who we are as a whole. This feeling can last anywhere from a few minutes, to a few hours, to days weeks, or even months at a time. There is no estimate available on the duration of this feeling. So what do I do when the clouds set in? Lay in bed and pray that when I wake they will have passed.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…