Something happened today (12-10-18) that made me evaluate one particular event in my life. As the title might suggest and actually gives away, I've been thinking about why at the age of 13 I ran away from home.
Little is known about how my running away from home actually started. I don't know why I told my cousin Kim I was going to run away, maybe it was because I knew she wouldn't tell anyone or maybe it was because I knew she wouldn't believe me. Either way, I did just that; I ran away. When I was asked why it was that I ran away I couldn't give a definitive answer; I didn't know, the only thing I did know is that I had to get away. My home life wasn't a bad one so it wasn't like I was running away from an abusive home, I just decided to run away. So I packed my bookbag took my favorite knife from the kitchen drawer and off I went.
In terms of miles I couldn't tell you exactly how far I walked, I could only tell you that I walked from the east side to the far end of the north side of the small city of Youngstown, Ohio. My legs hurt, it had turned cold in the night and I just wanted to go home. I found a payphone and called my mother to come and get me from the 24-hour laundromat. Of course, my mother would ask me why it was that I ran away and there was nothing in me that could tell her the reason. I just didn't know. It would be at the age of 34 I'd come to realize the reason, it would also come at the age of 34 that I would have to finally admit that my past, as ugly as it may be in my eyes, is not something to be ashamed of.
Why did I run away? I didn't know it then but I know it now that I was running away from something that was within me, something I didn't realize at the time I couldn't run away from. That was the depression and sadness inside of me. I didn't want to die or kill myself at the time I don't even think I was self-harming. I just wanted to leave and never return start my life somewhere else start my life happy. I couldn't articulate it at the time I guess because of the hormones and the physical changes I was going through. However, as an adult, I have learned that running away is never the answer; even though I have at times thought about just packing up my car and driving and never looking back.
We run away from many things in our lives every single day. Sometimes we avoid situations and people and other times we drink and smoke our problems away; neither of which are healthy. Today's event has taught me that although I have been walking around like I haven't been running I actually have been this entire time. I've been running from the moment I ran away that day. I have yet to confront that and many other things I've gone through in my life. Shielding my story from the world and even myself. When God told me to get ready I wasn't exactly sure what it was that he was talking about I should get ready for, but my eyes have been opened and now I know that the past I have hidden so deeply has to be dealt with and worked through. It's time for me to stop running and confront the shame of my past because if I don't confront it, it will hinder my future.