Infidelity, separation, divorce; now what? Exactly who am I? I wish I could say that after my divorce I did exactly what I said I would do and work on myself, however, I didn't. In fact, the guilt I felt would cause me many years wallowing in my brokenness.
To the world around me I had put the past behind me and took my divorce in stride, I seemed to be handling it well. Not only was that not the case, behind closed doors I was spiraling to self-destruction. My marriage was not only over but the very thing I had begged of my ex-husband he was doing for his soon to be wife. I was jealous; I was bitter and hurt, but most of all I was broken. I had messed up, I had let go and I beat myself up daily for hurting the man that I loved. I was guilty and to punish myself for it I drank heavily and slept around. I didn't care who else I hurt as long as I was hurting myself more. In fact, I cared so little about others I found myself in an affair with a married man. That's right not only was I a liar and a cheat I added homewrecker to my repertoire of things to beat myself up over. Not only was I toxic to those around me I was toxic to myself, and since drinking had become my solace it was no surprise when I'd begun to drink myself to sleep every night. It was no more a surprise when I found myself one morning reaching for an unfinished drink from the night before. I did end up pouring it out but by that time the damage was already done and I was a functioning alcoholic.
I was such an emotional mess that one of the relationships I would get into would not only break my heart but it would break me in every sense of the word. I was completely lost without this person that had given me some hope that I could be faithful that I could indeed have the family that I always wanted. In my eyes he was the first person to truly understand me, I would then spend my time trying and failing to get over him for the next three years I'd spend my time trying to get over him and it would be 2014 before I would find myself broken down enough to look up.
Watch for my next blog Mended Pieces.
Also read Why I Let Go and Why My Marriage Failed.