Skip to main content

Why I Let Go

In my previous blog Why My Marriage Failed, I confessed, well, the reasons my marriage failed. In this blog, I want to reveal why I let my marriage go.

One of the first things my ex-husband did after I told him about the other guy

was go out and buy me a dozen red roses. I couldn't see what it meant at the time; I could only see that our fridge was near empty we had five kids to feed and he'd just spent twenty dollars on some already dying flowers. This was my character flaw, this was the part of me that had told him all of the things he didn't do and then looked down on him when he was trying harder at us than I was. Every move I made after my confession was a selfish one. 

As any other couple would after such a confession we went through our arguments and difficult times. The not speaking, not touching, and even the removal of the wedding rings from our fingers. I honestly don't know if we even lasted in the same house a month before I was packing my things and my children and leaving. I was leaving because I needed to work on me and he needed to work on him and maybe after six months or so we could come back together and be stronger than we were before. I was such a fool; a lying fool who believed every single lie I'd told myself. Still with me moved out and in with the boytoy I could justify doing whatever I wanted because we were separated. Even after things with the boytoy crashed and burned my ex-husband was still there for me. We'd even talked about working things out and getting back together, but I'd done some things during that separation that I was ashamed of, put him in situations I was ashamed of. I wasn't exactly certain if I wanted to save my marriage or let it go. I really and truly did want to save it in my heart but my actions are what lead me to let go. 

I remember being over my mothers' house and my aunt asked me if he and I were going to get back together and I told her no. It was a question I had been asked over and over and over by a friend of mine who was all for me working things out. I was getting quite tired of hearing the question, while I wasn't sure if I was going to work things out when I was talking to my friend, my aunt asking me that question at that time gave me the honest answer I didn't even know was in me. "No," I said and she asked why. It was then I would come out with the truth of it, a truth that would be the first honest most humble thing I'd do or say in the situation. "I'm not meant for him and I'm not going to stand in the way of him finding the person who is." It was the hardest realization I had to come to; my marriage was over I wasn't fighting for it and my family was broken. It took everything in me at the moment not to cry. Something I'd dreamed about all my life was ending. I don't know if he's forgiven me, over the years I have at some point apologized to him. The memories of everything we went through will always be fresh in my mind as a lesson on what not to do next time. 

Months after this statement he'd go on to meet his future wife, his present wife, the wife he was meant to have all along. I can only be thankful that he found her because had he and I toughed it out and tried to make things work, I would have just ended up hurting him in the future once again. It's so easy to get yourself into situations like these and even harder to get out of them. Infidelity and finance can be two of the most harmful things to a marriage. I implore you to learn who you are as a person before you get married.

In my next blog Divorced Now What, I will cover who I became after the dust of divorce settled.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Me Too Transparency

I want to be able to say that I've never been out and out raped, but at the end of the day no means no and I said it; I said no. It's moments like those that live in your mind and don't go away. You keep replaying them until you've

Get Ready

I was walking at work one day when I heard a small still voice say "get ready". It stopped me in my tracks because there was no one else around other than myself. Get ready? Get ready for what? "Get ready". In my heart, I knew what it meant but I was and somewhat am not so much reluctant but anxious about what was ahead of me. 

Holes In The Wall

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now?

I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but permanent…