Skip to main content

Late night thoughts

I spend a good portion of my day lost in my own thoughts. Between calls I find myself engrossed in all sorts of conversations. I think a lot about my relationship. The deeper I get into it the more I wonder. Some days it feels too easy to be real, other days it feels too hard to stay. All of it is mental. None of it really has anything to do with whether or not things are going right or going wrong. Again it's mental. We as women we create our own insecurities, and sometimes, we have help we never thought was there, creating those insecurities. I've just say back and watched the way things have unfolded from the beginning. When things started and he was my little secret to keep. I enjoyed it so much because, one, I knew that no one would understand why. Two, I wanted to give him a chance before outside opinion could influence what I wanted to know for myself. Three, I had to learn to trust... well trust more. I have to admit there were things I didn't trust. Things I realized were only because a part of me was still insecure. I picked apart every little thing. I don't do it anymore... much. LoL I'm More comfortable now than I have been in a long while. Titles still freak me out not over that fear yet but baby steps. LoL. One day I will marry again I know that it won't be until after two years of dating or when he sees my true self. I can't help the layers. I can bring them down one by one and there are still layers there. I'm trying to drop them to stand in my truest form. Seems like it's so easy to be my complete self with someone who has no promise who I don't care what they think of me I know they are at the end of the day going to always be there if they have fallen in love. Or at least come back. It's a foolish thing to think that that is something, however, that is the arrogance hardly anyone sees. Honestly, I fear that he will see the real me and run in the opposite direction. It still amazes me that he hasn't. I am waiting to lose the stars from my eyes and see the things that I don't like. But I realize that there are already things I don't like. I just like more than I dislike and accept him flaws and all.


Popular posts from this blog

Just(in) Grief 2

I had a blog post all written out in my notebook and decided not to post it but to write off the cuff. 

Today was a good day... for most of the day. At some point I began thinking about grief and how it affects me and that completely tanked my mood for a while. I, of course, started thinking about Justin. For those of you who don't know who Justin is, he's a dear friend and a former love interest of mine who passed away July 6th, 2017.

Prosperity and Faith

Every day is a struggle for me, some days more than others. Let's just say that this year is not my financial year and I found myself depressed and angry. In a recent venting session with my boyfriend, I asked this question; Why do the most faithful to God struggle so much?

Genevieve Lost

I couldn't believe Edith had the nerve to act like she was better than me. Who did she think she was? I mean I've been saved since I was ten years old. I know who God is, I know who Jesus is, and they are the only ones who can judge me. Sure my life isn't perfect but whose is. We all sin, I repent of my sins every day as long as God forgives me I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and that includes my high and mighty sister. I guess I would be spending more time at John's house after my weekend binges, now that my sister had kicked me out and taken back her key.