I spend a good portion of my day lost in my own thoughts. Between calls I find myself engrossed in all sorts of conversations. I think a lot about my relationship. The deeper I get into it the more I wonder. Some days it feels too easy to be real, other days it feels too hard to stay. All of it is mental. None of it really has anything to do with whether or not things are going right or going wrong. Again it's mental. We as women we create our own insecurities, and sometimes, we have help we never thought was there, creating those insecurities. I've just say back and watched the way things have unfolded from the beginning. When things started and he was my little secret to keep. I enjoyed it so much because, one, I knew that no one would understand why. Two, I wanted to give him a chance before outside opinion could influence what I wanted to know for myself. Three, I had to learn to trust... well trust more. I have to admit there were things I didn't trust. Things I realized were only because a part of me was still insecure. I picked apart every little thing. I don't do it anymore... much. LoL I'm More comfortable now than I have been in a long while. Titles still freak me out not over that fear yet but baby steps. LoL. One day I will marry again I know that it won't be until after two years of dating or when he sees my true self. I can't help the layers. I can bring them down one by one and there are still layers there. I'm trying to drop them to stand in my truest form. Seems like it's so easy to be my complete self with someone who has no promise who I don't care what they think of me I know they are at the end of the day going to always be there if they have fallen in love. Or at least come back. It's a foolish thing to think that that is something, however, that is the arrogance hardly anyone sees. Honestly, I fear that he will see the real me and run in the opposite direction. It still amazes me that he hasn't. I am waiting to lose the stars from my eyes and see the things that I don't like. But I realize that there are already things I don't like. I just like more than I dislike and accept him flaws and all.
I don't look like what I've been through. It's a common phrase said by many Christians, I've said it myself a time or two. However, my mind has been swayed about what that statement should actually be. I'm glad I look like what I've been through. I've been through grace and favor and I have the scars to prove it.