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Who I Want Lena To Be

I was sitting here looking up information online trying to find more information that would help find my mother. I have been searching facebook tirelessly for hours now cross referencing people she may have been associated with; and honestly the hardest thing about that is that as I was sitting here looking at photos of some of these people I was a little r... maybe repulsed isn't the word I'm looking for, but put off. You see in looking for my mother I have come across well rounded people as well as hoodrats and thugs. I would like to think that my mother is a well rounded good looking woman of  but the truth of the matter is that she may very well not be. One has to stop and think of how that would make you feel is you spent your entire time looking for well rounded people only to find out that the person you are actually looking for may actually be a criminal or hoodrat or thug. You can't pick and choose who your parents are that is the very thing you can only choose about yourself. 
There is this part of me that has always looked at my mother with sympathy because I felt that she had to no choice but to give me up.  Just because I have thought that way does not mean that that is true. My cousin told me a long time ago after finding her father that I should prepare myself for whatever it is that may come. My mother may not want to be found and it might not be the reunion I had in mind. I understand that that is a possibility and though that would hurt I would rather have searched in the first place and found that out rather than do nothing and continue to wonder if I look like her or any of my other relatives.
I still have emails coming in here and there and they have all not really lead to dead ends so much as the same information that I have already found online. I know that in order to do a better extensive search I will need the funds to do it. I have located my family history and worked out that my mother is about 56 years old and that I have a brother we was born on December 31st, 1975. Whereabouts this man may be located I am not sure. I don't know what made me believe that his fathers family resided in California which is nowhere in the documents that I have found; I think that maybe that part was just the imagination of a child wanting to make it in Hollywood at the time. Still I have a lot more information to go on. I know that my mother was pretty short standing at 5'4" and a buck twenty-five. (Whoever came up with saying that for 125 must have been on something BTW). You know I just had a notification on facebook and went to check it, it said that someone like the photo I posted and decided to see how many shares I got. In the span of three hours my photo has gone from 744 to 909 shares! I don't know how well this will work or help but the fact that so many people are willing to take 60 seconds of their time and not only read what the sign I'm holding says but to share this is just heartwarming. I pray that I find what it is that the Lord has in store for me with the journey.
I do not know my mother, what she is like, if she is everything I want her to be or everything I hope she isn't. All I know is that if I could choose how I want her to be; it would be happy to be reunited with me and full of information about the years of not only her life I missed but my brothers as well.
Until next time.
Forever Finding Lena,
Nicki

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