In my first blog about this topic, called Sex and the Single (originally named Will You Marry Me), I wrote about soul ties and the importance of not having sex before marriage. That was back in 2015. In 2018 I come to you with a confession... I did not follow my own advice.
Sex had long been a bandage for the things that were going wrong or even right in my life. Depressed? Have sex. Happy? Have sex. Drunk... you see where I'm going with this. At one point I even had a go to person who could satiate what I would come to understand as my addiction. Always a text, phone call, or message away, I never had to go without. However, as time passed my body and mind would not agree with my addiction.
Suddenly a feeling that was so natural and a drive that seemingly fueled itself began to dwindle. This, however, would not stop me. I would begin to manually fuel that drive with alcohol. It quickly became the only way I could even engage in sex. Still, I was never truly satisfied as each encounter became less and less pleasurable past the initial moment. My libido was broken - so I would say. In truth it was not my libido that was broken, the soul ties had finally caught up with me.
I had a problem, I know knew I had a problem. I wanted the problem to go away back in 2015, but the problem would prove to stick around until 2017 when I finally said no more and truly let go of meaningless sex.
My previous relationship was one without sex and without intimacy... it drove me crazy. It wasn't until I put a hole in the wall from being turned down that I not only realized sex was a problem, but it had in fact been controlling me, and that although I had my safety net (go to) I was not containing my desires as I thought I had been. The hole (which is now covered) would become a reminder of the self control I did not have at that moment.
November 4th, 2017... I felt nothing. It was all an act. I had lost all desire to copulate This would be the focal point of my true change. At first I thought there was something wrong with me other than being tired of meaningless sex and fruitless relationships. I would soon begin an unexpected friendship with someone I initially did not find attractive. The conversations were not only engaging, they also did not center around nor focus on sex. It was a welcome break from the norm.
A couple of months past and we'd begun to see each other as a little less in a friendly manner and leaned more towards the romantic. Throughout the friendship stage I'd remained broken and was slowly working on healing. It was during this stage that something someone once told me came to mind. "He will keep you if you want to be kept." What gives a woman with three kids and a failed marriage the right to ask a man to wait until marriage to have sex? Not, a what but a who, and the answer is God. This man did not bat an eye when I said I wanted to wait until marriage. Even when I explained my weakness and past mistakes he did not hold it against me and declared enough strength for the both of us... And he has kept me to it... Even when I've said I didn't want to wait anymore he reminds me that I am not following my own desires but the desire that God put in me to follow through him.
This is a testimony that when you obey God really and truly obey and trust God he will give you your hearts desire.
Love built on the foundational strength of God and friendship is one of the most purest forms of Love that there is. It will prove to be such time and time again as it leave you in wonder and amazement. Is my libido still broken? Am I still broken? No, the desire and passion between us is dizzyingly strong. During this time of purposeful abstinence I can see the test that God has been throwing both of our way. We withstand not only temptation but distance as well and our love couldn't be stronger. I have grown to see the purpose in waiting the purpose in trusting, and fasting, and praying. Getting to know someone so completely without the cloudiness of sex and being able to heal from the soul ties and addiction that bound me has given me a clear vision of the true covenant of marriage. So I say to you right here right now.
He will keep you if you want to be kept!