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Marriage? *Facepalm*

Seriously, honestly. That is how I feel. I just want to start by saying that I loved the word and guidance brought forth by Team Robinson tonight (3-20-2015). There was a lot of good information a lot that actually hit close to home. You know me though. I have to over think everything.
So lets get into my personal thoughts no so much on the lesson itself but on some things that I have known and realized about myself. 
I was never meant to just be a someone's girlfriend. I say that often and people really do look at me funny. However for as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to do was get married have children and live happily ever after. Of course as I got older I did realize what true happily ever after was. It did not consist of a big castle, a large banquet full of food for everyone. I realized over the years that happily ever after was the ability to look at the same person day in and day out and know that they get on your everlasting nerves sometimes, but you couldn't imagine yourself with anyone else. In any and all things you would fight to make it work no matter what.
Now in saying that all I wanted was to get married and have children that doesn't mean that I didn't have a dream outside of that. I have gone to some extremes when it comes to what I have wanted to do with my future. Part of that was psychology, acting, singing, and writing. of those things what I have stuck with has been writing, I also have some credits towards a degree in applied behavioural sciences. That is neither here nor there though.
When my exhusband and I were together I did buy the five love languages, as well as the four seasons of marriage and The five love languages of apology... You know I have both The Five Love Languages and The Five Love Languages Men's Edition. The men's edition was something that I gave to my ex husband before we had our issues that caused our divorce. He didn't read it so when I left I took it with me... in writing this I picked it up and began to thumb through it because a friend of mine wants to read it. I wanted to make sure that there was no writing in it or something stuck between the pages. As I thumbed through it backward to forward I did run across writing... I thought he hadn't read it. In reading the notes left behind I realized that he had picked it up. 
It's bitter sweet finding the notes. It reminds me of the good and makes me tear up for the bad. I have also come to an understanding as well. I spent a lot of time angry after the separation and during the process of divorce. Not because we were going through one, I realized that I wasn't his happiness and I wasn't going to stop him from finding it while trying to figure myself out. I was angry because all of a sudden there were no more excuses as to why he couldn't go out dancing or go to a movie or do things that were just fun in general. I couldn't understand it... now I do. It may have been too late for the book to help us but it did however change his approach on things. I'm glad that it did. It still doesn't hurt any less right now. I'll let it hurt, but only for a moment because even though we went through what we went through he's happy now and that is all that I have ever wanted for him.
Sometimes we have everything at our fingertips to make things work. I didn't get it right but it doesn't stop me from trying. I hear people say all the time "I give up on love." and I can't help but to ask them "How? How can you give up on love?" I believe with all of my hear that God is Love and giving up on Love is like giving up on God and I refuse to give up on God when he has never given up on me. So I have gone through the ringer when it comes to relationships. Twice engaged one failed marriage from one of the two engagements and I keep trying. I've been promised the world, I've been abused, I've been taken advantage of, heartbroken, left and we cannot forget to include divorced. 
When I got divorced I went through quite a few stages. When we separated I had every intention of staying separated until we could fix ourselves. I realized that I married a man when I myself wasn't whole and I wanted to fix that. I later realized that it was going to take me a lot longer to change, so when he brought me the divorce papers I did not fight it. 
I couldn't wait to leave, I missed him terribly, I didn't want to go back not to stay. I loved to visit him and we never stayed the night with each other. I preferred my own place and my own bed. I was fine with the way things were and he was not. It hurt him, and I couldn't continue to hurt him. I let him go.
Marriage is a big facepalm for me just for the simple fact that I plan to do it all over again. I have a better understanding of what I want and need in a relationship let alone a marriage. I plan to get married again one day. I have to admit it did take me at least 2-3 years to get to that point. I remember all the good and the bad and I still get emotional and I still shed a tear from time to time. It's just who I am. I feel things to an extreme, and until I have my "happy ending" I won't forget the emotions of something like that. I have one of the biggest hearts. I wear my heart on my sleeve and anyone who has eyes can see exactly how I am feeling at any given moment, and if you really pay attention you can see it in my eyes. To see it in my eyes however you have to mean a lot to me. Looking people in the eyes freak me out, probably because I don't like for people to see what I'm feeling. Holy crap I'm just now figuring out that that is the reason I don't like looking people in the eyes. I thought it had something to do with not having confidence in myself but clearly that is not the case. Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble. I just don't know who I'm talking to or if I am talking to someone specific, or if I'm just telling things about myself to be noticed. It's frustrating wanting to get married again. It's frustrating patiently waiting to find that one person you don't want to live without. I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. I love Love. I'm a helpless hopeless romantic. I'm finding my way back to hope again. So marriage? Ugh! I'm such a sap. LoL I should probably learn to structure my entries I think I end up off topic every time I write something. LoL

Comments

  1. You are very strong to want to keep going and I admire that, a never give up attitude especially when you said giving up on love is like giving up on God, powerful. I feel you tho on bad relationships, tho I haven't been married I want to be some day and know what I want in a relationship especially by knowing what I dont want as well.... Really good testimony tho, love it 😊

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