So a couple of days ago one of my most toxic relationships ended after four years. You read all of those articles about people that just keep you in their life just to have someone there and think to yourself naw not me. Well in truth that is what this person was to me and if he actually evaluated it I was to him. We've always been in contact through email and text messages... when he actually had a phone I haven't actually seen this person in two years. We were arguing about the ability of people no matter who you are to at some point in their life have a shallow thought or moment. He was offended by some of the things that I said because he felt like some of the things I talked about where things that he himself had esteem issues with. I found myself trying to explain how he was different and blah blah blah and he said I was just making it worse and that he wasn't mad just change the subject. I was not going to change the subject it really bothered me that me at my shallow point was not understood after all this time. Having enough of the conversation after I just couldn't get him to understand that his judging me on my past was horrible I paused for a moment. He'd said the dreaded word I've asked him time and time again not to say... GOODBYE. It, for lack of a better word, ticked me off. This man walked out of my life and back into my life more times than I can count friends or not this I realized (yeah I'm slow) was neither healthy nor wanted. As we argued back and forth I blocked him mid argument. We're not able to be friends, we're not lovers although we argued like we were on a daily basis, so what in the world was the point of keeping around someone who thought it was okay to go back and forth that way to leave and come back constantly. Nothing. I've put up with some pretty stupid stuff in my time and honestly. I'm over it. I had a conversation last night with a long time friend of mine about my recent "break up" (if you would call it that). I asked him how someone you were in love with could think that friends could be possible after how you felt about someone and he looked at me and said well what about us. I had to stop and think about what I just said and how it pertained to who he and I were and have been to each other over the years. I, for once, didn't go into defensive mode. I kindly explained why things never really went very far. At this time I am not going to date anyone. Building strong friendships and getting to know people is what I am going to do. I have built a lot of toxic relationships in my life and weeding them out even when its good for me has been difficult. I am an easy person to love, a hard person to get to know completely, and the best friend you could ever have. My focus is on God. I want to be so focused on God that the only reason I meet my husband if because we met at God. Some people might think that I was joking about being celibate but emotional attachments like that are hindering to the word and teaching of what God has intended for your life. I'm not perfect and this is going to be the hardest thing I do in my life. This is my biggest vice. Well I conclude with this. You know that person who you have on the back burner? The one who never really helps out. The one that most of the time you talk to them you come away feeling negative emotions and/or just remembering when things were good between you and them? That person.... LET THEM GO! There are people still in your life who have been there who don't have a negative effect on you keep those people. The toxic ones though? LET THEM GO!!!!!
I don't look like what I've been through. It's a common phrase said by many Christians, I've said it myself a time or two. However, my mind has been swayed about what that statement should actually be. I'm glad I look like what I've been through. I've been through grace and favor and I have the scars to prove it.