A Tiger and Her Stripes

I'm wide awake right now, my mind is racing through memories and feelings of the past. Things I want to forget, feelings I never want to remember. My first bad memory is of a cousin, who often tried to molest me. We were about the same age, but I was so weak, and he was so heavy. There was nothing I could do on my own to free myself from him. I'd be in the basement at my grandmother's and suddenly everyone would be gone. The first time this happened I was trying to go up the stairs, trying to get past him. He wouldn't let me, he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and I panicked. I did the only thing I could think to do. You see I tried calling for my sister but she never came. I'd call for my cousin Kim and she came every single time I called. She saved me many times, and I am forever thankful for that. I never told anyone. I held it in, buried it.  Secretly relieved when he went to juvenile prison. No more fighting with no luck,  no more being afraid of being alon...

I can’t sleep The images They keep haunting me I am at a loss Dr. What could this be? Have you had any major stress in your life? I guess you could say so I guess that’s right These images How do they make you feel? Sick to my stomach It seems so unreal His fat chubby hands grabbing at me I try to get away I try to get free His round fat stomach has got me pinned Oh no I can’t breathe! It’s happening again! The panic The fear The tightening of my chest I don’t want to go back Can we just skip the rest? I know it’s not ideal To relive the pain But there can be no healing If things are left the same. This is so hard These memories Why can’t they stay blocked? Why set them free? *sigh* He tries to kiss me I turn my...

Can fire and ice dance Without extinguishing the flame Can they tango Without melting, dripping like rain Will the low pressures Meet the high wind speeds Creating a funnel Fueled by need Can the beauty of the phenomenon Remain in the clouds What are the chances of survival Should it touch down The elements sometimes fickle Sometimes hot sometimes cold Which one will consume the other Will the ice melt against the fires glow Or will the frost extinguish All the warmth the fire could show.

There is a movie on netflix right now called "The November Rule". I love that movie. One of the reasons why is because in retrospect, I have a rule similar to that. I try very hard not to be attached beyond October 31st. It is something that I have done for years now. The season known to many as cuffing season has always been a time when I "uncuff" so to speak. There have been many false reasons as to why I do this. Such as, don't want to spend time with their families, don't want to have to give them gifts for Christmas, and the ultimate one... I hate Valentine's day. I had to step back and try to figure out where in the world this came from. The simple answer is that my past has prevented me from ever really wanting to be with someone during that time. If you are with someone there is always room for disappointment. Not to mention the memories associated with that time frame.  Christmas has been hard for me since 2010. The memories created in my ma...

I have begun to read the five love languages again. Kind of a refresher of sorts. One of the things that I have noticed starting at the first love language; Words of Affirmation, it that I don't speak that language very well. Not to others and not to myself. It's really been evident in the last year that I have been lacking in communication skills in this manner. Each and ever single day I am sitting at a computer talking to people about health insurance, a job that I have done for the last three years. However, that is not where my customer service skills started. My journey actually started with technical support with Apple. If anyone is familiar with the ins and outs of call center work you understand that you are generally "coached" on your calls for specific things. In every single call center job that I have had my failing point was and still is empathy. "You gotta work on your empathy." I hear time after time in coaching sessions. My current job was ...

What is this? I don't recognize this feeling I'm not afraid Of what tomorrow holds I'm not ashamed of me I'm actually feeling... Quite bold. Vibrant Alive And dare I say free What is this? Who is this? I know now That's me! That's my smile My laugh Did I just bat my eyes? That's my confidence My joy That's my pride Been a long time coming This reflection of me Gone is that little girl Of timidity So I'll strut Sashay While these heels click Pause Smile and wink Cuz I'm a brand new chick. 😉

In my previous post I talked about how my week had been. How depressed I was and how I was unable to pretty much do anything or be anything other than depressed.  Let me take you through my day on Friday. I woke up Friday morning and again the world was just nothing but gloom and doom for me. It took everything I had in me to get the kids out the door and off to school without bursting into tears. On my way to work I just couldn't stop crying. Still there was no known reason to my tears, but the heart inside my chest was just broken. Even with the good news I'd gotten the day before I could do nothing but cry. I walked into work I don't even know if anyone even noticed the tears in my eyes. I just tried keeping my head down and not talking to anyone. Time seemed to drag on as I waited to escape to my car for my first break. I almost cried on my first two calls. There was no life in my voice at all. I found myself bowing my head and praying "Jesus I need you, just help...