A Tiger and Her Stripes

How many of us have prayed for financial deliverance? How many of us have had faith that the Lord would give us that deliverance? As Christians, I am certain that we all have. "God, why do I struggle so much financially? X amount of dollars is not enough to live off of. Lord, I need financial deliverance!" Those are all things I've cried out and prayed before. I'm also the one who takes what little I have and puts it into the offering bucket, praying desperately along with pastor to press it down and shake it up so that it will be returned unto me tenfold. To what avail?  The truth is, I have done absolutely nothing to change my financial situation. Week after week, month after month, year after year I have prayed desperately for increase, and like so many others, yet I have been left wanting.  As I read the scriptures above I suddenly remembered The Parable Of The Talents ( Matthew 25:14-30 ). This passage is about a man who decided that while he was off...

It's been a long journey to truth. If you haven't read Narcoleptic Nicki(i)  I will try my best to fill you in.  Over the last two year's I have dealt with uncontrolled accessive daytime sleepiness. I went from the mother who took her kids to the park to play tennis and ride bikes, to the mother who could only find the strength to take a nap after work and who needed two days off just to sleep and recover from the work week. Sleeping at night warranted no true rest, no matter how many hours of sleep I achieved. The next day I would always have this dire need to take naps. In fact, at one point I would often go to work in the morning only to find myself very sleepy midday, sleepy enough I could fall asleep standing up... or even walking. This would become so cumbersome I'd seek the help of my primary care physician for answers to this mounting problem. After a misdiagnosis of depression (That would be an entirely different blog for a different day on that struggle.) ...

I've been discouraged lately. It seems that everyone around me has either published a book, in the process of publishing a book, going live on Facebook about their ambitions and passions, or creating and managing Youtube channels; all the things I myself would like to do. It begs me to question: where exactly does that leave me? I am not a shy person, neither am I outgoing. I am self-conscious and there are aspects of the authorial process in which I feel I need to have, however, I find myself envisioning running into a glass door with everyone yet no one watching.   How do I not get discouraged? How do I train myself to push forward when it seems as though everyone has the same idea as well as more support in their endeavors? I tell myself that if I can inspire one person to be themselves if I can influence one person to pursue their dream (whatever that dream may be), or bring one person to Christ or have a closer relationship with Christ I am gratifi...

I've been thinking about mortality and what it means. As I get older and begin to lose more friends to natural causes it makes me think of my own health. I am not living the best healthy life that I should be. When things get rough I drink. I smoke cigarettes daily, and even though I know that these things are unhealthy I still do them. That is my physical health issues. But what about my spiritual? Spiritually I'd like to think that I am as healthy as I can be... but in that sentence lies the problem. Complacency in being as spiritually healthy as you can be is a setup for backsliding. I'd like to think that in the weeks gone by I've prayed diligently. I have in certain occasions, I mean I have prayed for others more than I've prayed for myself. That's all that matters right? Not quite. The instructions given to me on how to pray has lain opened and unread. Available but ignored. Although I am not spiritually dead I am spiritually sic...

Here I am on my lunch break sitting in a somber mood. There is no apparent reasoning behind it, I just sort of woke up with a cloud hanging over my head. The things that had been stressing me as of late have been resolved and although the decision was not what I wanted it was the exact conclusion God intended for me to come to. In that I truly have peace. When I made the decision not to move I felt every bit of stress leave my body. My mind was quickly put at ease and the day seemed much brighter. I've come to realize this mornings mood is a byproduct of yesterdays decision. Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I'll say it again. Peace is NOT synonymous with acceptance. I knew I had come to the right decision because of the peace that washed over me and the lift in my mood. However, I did not accept the decision. I still want to move, i still want to force a change even though i know that it is not God's timing. I'm getting in my own way. This m...

I've always been the type of person you could see right through. Although I liked to have thought it wasn't true I've always been told otherwise. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stress in my eyes, and sadness in my smile. This week has been a difficult week for me. I recently found out that a major life change that is supposed to come next year has affected my oldest daughter and sent her into a small bout of depression. Financially I am tapped out and struggling and I can't seem to get above water long enough to breathe. Struggling with mental illness on my part and that of my daughters has always weighed heavy on me, not to mention the issues my son has with ADHD. I'm having a hard time writing this. A hard time getting my thoughts together so please bear with me. This scripture right here is supposed to be comforting and I can see the comfort in the scripture, but I can't feel it. Everything going on right now has me bogged down and I ...

I wish this were my wall. I want so badly to just punch and punch and punch until every emotion, every hurt is gone from my body. The realization that today a year ago was the last time I spoke to Justin has set in and I haven't been able to stop crying. There is no bad to remember. Only good, and the more I focus on remembering the good and trying to find peace within it the more pain I feel. I've come full circle with my grief and I'm stuck at anger. I want to understand. I want to know why. I need to know why, and the answer is just not there. Why can't I just grieve on the one day? The day he died? Why must I cry now? I'm so guilt-ridden for all the things I didn't do when I had the chance. I'm guilt-ridden for loving so soon after his death. I feel like there should have been a time period in which I... I don't even know. At this point, I feel like pushing everyone away. Staying to myself and not letting anyone in. Not just temporarily but perm...