A Tiger and Her Stripes

It's been a summer of a lot of things for me. It's been a summer of procrastination, learning, dedication, testing, faith, and so much more. I have been through nothing and everything this summer. Most of all, the biggest adjustment for me this summer has been to sit still. Not only sitting still but figuring out how I'm supposed to be sitting still. You see, when you think of sitting still, you think of inaction, of doing nothing, and honestly, that would be the easy part of sitting still if that were the only requirement. When God says to sit still, it doesn't mean to just sit still; it also means to listen.  During my waiting time, I have listened intently, lazily; I've even pretended to listen, which of course got me nowhere. This summer has been about learning the voice of God. For as much control as I want over my life, God positioned me to rely solely on Him. The season of refinement is not easy; you feel as though you are fumbling your way through the lesson...

  Appearances will keep you bound. I share so much, yet so little, of my life. Whether it is out of "pretending" to be a private person or shame or both I couldn't tell you. Even now I'm almost certain it's that I'm not going to tell you. I have to explain some things about alcoholism . It is not as black and white as you might think it is. See my issue with drinking started back in 2010, 2011. I drank because it was fun. I drank because it was an escape. I drank because my life at that time was difficult, but I didn't drink daily. I've always been a binge drinker . I could party on the weekends and go to work like the weekend didn't happen. I even recognized back then the possibility of a drinking problem. The clearest incident in my mind was one night I had been drinking, I got sleepy and decided to go to bed, now, an alcoholic doesn't waste alcohol. I had my cup that was still about halfway full, I didn't want to guzzle the e...

  I don't know exactly what sent me down this rabbit hole. A thought popped into my head and I started wondering what happened to Evangelism like we had in the 90's? What happened to going out into the community and having tent services? Additionally, I got lost in the memories of Christianity when it was oh so simple for me. Back when I went to church every week, multiple times a week for various things: Bible study, choir rehearsal, piano lessons, drill team, mime, and church plays. The one thing I found myself missing most of all was the March For Jesus. What happened to it? Does it still go on? When did it start? The answer to my question was wrong. I did a google search to see when The March For Jesus started in Youngstown, Ohio and it said that it started on June 11th, 2000. Although my memory is horrible, I knew that that wasn't correct. I was 16 years old and even though I had a lot going on in my life at the time, I knew for a fact that io hadn't attended the M...

At this point I have to ask, is therapy really working?    I've been in therapy on and off since I was about 14 years old... maybe one or two years younger than that. That being said, I never really got much out of it in the teen years because let's face it, as a teen you really don't want to cooperate with any adult, let alone a "Shrink". I would go and talk about nothing of importance, pretending to sleep when it was my mother's turn to come in for the session with me. How this woman knew I wasn't sleeping was beyond me. I did what I was required to do and got my Doritos every time I went, so I was happy. Looking back at my first session, I can see the pattern that started even way back then. I have the hardest time finding competent therapists. Let me explain, from the moment I read an article in Teen Magazine about depression, I basically diagnosed myself. My being in therapy wasn't even the result of my mother thinking I had depression; it was bec...

Random conversations at work tend to be the best sort of conversations. One such conversation occurred last week that has been on my mind ever since. In true ADHD fashion, I cannot tell you how this conversation came about. I can only tell you that by the conclusion of that conversation, I have been contemplating deeply on my bucket list. Two of the three of us had bucket lists, can you guess which person didn't have one? Yes, that would be me. Oddly enough, during my recent vacation to Tennessee with my best girlfriends, the mention of go-karting as something on one of their bucket lists didn't get this sort of response out of me. In fact, I thought it was cute that that was one of the things on their list. So, why was last week's conversation different? Why was that the moment I thought about what was on mine, and did I actually have one? It's taken a week to figure it all out, but this is what I came up with. First, I didn't even know what should go on my bucket ...

Internally I scream at the top of my lungs, Louder and louder than I've ever sung, The invisible tears envelope me and wrap me in their arms, My mind does more damage to me than self harm, The cuts I can imagine, I no longer follow through, A win of sorts, But now what do I do? Smoke? Drink? I'm on the brink, Of insanity because sanity seems to escape me, Poetry no motion stuck in one place, Char Onyx Chamele pick one, Choose a face.

  My brain says write, so I sit down at the computer, turn it on, pull up a word document, poise my fingers to begin... and nothing comes. My brain goes completely blank, I close the program and return to Hulu or Crunchyroll. Surely after watching something mindless I'll be able to write. No such luck. I've fallen off from writing completely for years at this point. It's frustrating and downright depressing. There was a working theory that I am not able to write when I am happy and I've been dead set on proving that to not be the case however I haven'd had a decent thought in some time. In fact I haven't written in so long I've neglected periods, hypens, and punctuation in the last sentence. The truth is I have to have a quietly loud mind in order to write. I haven't had silence in so long I have forgotten what it's like to just be with my thoughts. I used to ride to work in silence and I don't do that anymore. I'm usually listening to someth...

Before I delve into the world of burnout I want to first start off with this fact; I LOVE MY JOB!  It's been so long since I've written anything I can't recall whether or not you all know what it is that I do for a living, well, I'm a "Youth Worker" which is a watered-down way of saying that I am a juvenile corrections worker. The thing about this job is that I did and didn't choose this profession. Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor to teens because when I was a teen I didn't like any of my counselors. I felt that they were all out of touch with the teens they were working with, not to mention they didn't look like me (African American). I wasn't able to finish school for mental health so I gave up on that dream. I actually trained to try and become a cop, you know be a part of the solution. That failed miserably because I couldn't lift half my body weight. I didn't even get to try the other portions of the fitness test. Time wo...

  I am a member of an ADHD group for black women. I've been in the group for so long I'm not certain how long I've actually been there. The group has been so reassuring over the years and has constantly reminded me that I am not alone.  I was diagnosed back in the mid-nineties with ADHD and was promptly medicated after the discovery. Being the child that  I was I refused to take my medication and I've been unmedicated ever since. Having run across an article posted in the group called " It took me until I was 25 to get diagnosed with ADHD. I assumed my symptoms were personality quirks ", It was a great read that highlighted some pretty good things. However, I found myself with this thought "It's great she's got her diagnosis but what about those of us diagnosed you who have to get rediagnosed to get help?" I ended up asking myself was I any better when I was actually being treated for it, was the medication actually helping? after all this ti...

  I want to start by apologizing to anyone who may be following my blog for updates on my new releases. Edith Freed was officially released on 4/11/2021. Edith is a good girl, but life events have taught her that the only thing she needs in life is her sister and her faith. She hasn't even heard the song yet, but her theme is "No New Friends", after the trauma of her sister Genevieve being kidnapped and tortured (Genevieve Lost) she definitely had some soul searching to do. Armed with a new mindset will she come out of her 20 year bubble she has been in to make new friends? Better yet, will she find it in her to open her heart to love? Join us as we follow Edith on her journey of truth and life lessons. I hope that you enjoy your time with Edith as she learns just who she is. Also, join me this Friday as I make a guest appearance on the podcast The Authors Lounge .

I was in the middle of watching a sermon on Youtube this morning when I kept getting this nagging thought about my calling. It's not an unfamiliar thought, just one that was so persistent I couldn't even finish the sermon. I have therefore spent the past 2 hours now trying to find scripture and stories in the Bible that align with what is perplexing me at the moment. The subject of the morning is purpose.  One of the most exciting moments in my life was last year when I got the call for a job I'd forgotten I had even applied for. Even in the interview, there was never a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't get the job, and I am happy to say that it's 8 months later and I am still here. What is this job that I am talking about? The official title for my job is "youth worker" the unofficial reality is juvenile corrections worker. I've always wanted to do something with social work, psychology, or anything with adolescents. I have always wanted to reach if I ...

This is more or less an impulsive post. After many years, for the first time, I decided to watch Good Will Hunting. Of course, I'd seen it referenced in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but I'd never once actually seen the movie. I was quite shocked to see that Robin Williams was in this movie. Although the movie was an award-winning drama and was meant to play at your emotions, the entire time I couldn't help but feel saddened by the absence of Robin Williams in real life. 

I was born and raised in Youngstown, Ohio. I was and have always been different, I never really fit in anywhere until my circle of friends in high school. I didn’t cuss until I was in the 6th grade in an attempt to fit in and I wish I’d never started. Even after I started cussing according to those around me I still “Sounded white”. I thought 6th grade was difficult because I really didn’t fit in but 7th and 8th grade would turn out to be pure hell. I was constantly bullied and suffering from depression which didn’t make the situation any better. By the end of 8th grade going into my first 9th-grade year (I did 9th grade twice) I’d decided to get rid of the old soft-spoken me and create a new persona, this would be the beginning of my DID, only I didn’t know that at the time. I remember at some point during the days of my new persona a girl I’d known from middle school actually asked what happened to me, she said I used to be nice and that “now I was just ghetto” which at the tim...

July 6th, 2017 I got a screenshot that sunk my entire ship so to speak. It was supposed to be a good day. I was talking to a friend and having a good time. It was my sister's birthday, it wasn't supposed to have gone the way it went. I remember I was devastated. I'd essentially lost the love of my life with whom I wasn't even with at the time. Sure I was at that time in a relationship but it didn't hurt any less nor did it change how I felt about him. I grieved for months and that put a strain on my already failing relationship, and when it ended I did something I should never have done...

It's 5:30am and I am currently completing school work. For those of you who don't know, I am currently seeking my degree in Psychology with a concentration in mental health. For the past two terms, I have been fairing well in my studies and was and am very proud of myself, but I've run into some issues along the way. 

When someone says that they have OCD it is often associated with repetition, the need to have things a certain way, or excessive cleaning. Well, I have OCD. I was quite shocked when I got the diagnosis because I didn't exhibit any of those thraits listed. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The ironic thing about those symptoms is that it can actually be an outward manifestation of anxiety, but that is something completely different from this entry. This entry is focusing on my OCD the type of OCD that is not often talked about, one that most people are afraid to even talk about with their therapist. What kind of OCD do I have? I have obsessive cumplusive instrusive thoughts. I'm not 100% versed on the type of thoughts "normal" people have, since its said that at some point in our lives everyone has intrusive thoughts. I can only speak for the thoughts that run through my head.  My intrusive thoughts manifest as thoughts of what if tragedies, a fear of hurting m...

The very first Christian author I can remember reading is Kimberla Lawson Roby. Even moreso amazing than finding her books is that I can remember exactly what happened. The book was called "Be Careful What You Pray For". I picked it up read the synopsis and decided to buy it. I knew I was starting late in the series but it was still an easy to follow read. Ever since that moment she has been who I looked up to for urban Christian fiction. I am too far behind her releases to catch up at this time but it doesn't change what her books mean to me. Why am I telling you all of this? Well as you may or may not know; I am a Christian Fiction Author! My First published work sadly was not Christian fiction and to be truthfully honest I hate it and regret ever publishing it or selling it. However, Genevieve Lost is my baby, my pride and joy. I prayed to God for this book, about this book, and allowed him to lead me through the writing of this book. At the time I still wanted to d...

Have you ever felt hunger in the pit of your stomach? You haven't eaten all day and you find yourself ravished? I had that feeling a few days ago and even now as I write this. I couldn't figure it out because I ate that day (a couple of times yay me!) but the hunger was still there. Today however I am choosing not to eat by choice. That's a completely different topic for another day. 

I started off having a really great morning. I was laughing, singing, making jokes, and having a good time at work; but all that changed with one message; Hi. It seems like a harmless word and under normal circumstances it is. However, the person who sent this one seemingly harmless word is someone I have been avoiding for quite some time. Recently they tried to add me back on facebook and I haven't accepted them. The problem is this person triggers my PTSD. All the things of the past come crashing in like a tidal wave and I am helpless for the time being to do anything about it. 

Image credit:  https://theconversation.com/us/topics/dsm-5-2189 Again, Lord why? Why am I a walking talking DSM-5? For those of you who don't know what the DSM-5 is according to Psychiatry.org , it is The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders...